The market is tanking and unemployment rates are increasing. And guess who just finished their degree at that great state school … seven years ago. Oh my god, has it been seven years? Gulp.
Whenever your parents call, they ask how the job search is going. “Any day now,” you say, “NBC is going to see what a great writer I am, and they’re going to option out my column to a TV show that will prove to those assholes at my 10-year reunion who’s awesome and who’s just a stupid dentist.”
To stave off your parents, give one of these fool-proof crazy reasons why you’re still, YES, STILL, unemployed:
1. Crazy Interviewer – Mom and Dad, I’m pretty sure the interviewer was a member of the Swedish Mafia. See, the interview took place inside a speak-easy, my chair was actually several crates of guns, and they asked me three times if I “wanted to sleep with the lutfisk.”
2. ‘Groucho Marx’ It – Tell your parents, “I won’t belong to any club that will accept people like me as a member.” Except replace the word ‘club’ with the word ‘job’ and the word ‘member’ with the word ’employee.’
3. The Building Looked Susceptible to Terrorist Attacks – Hey, it’s something I think about when the interviewer says, “This is the tallest building on the West Coast. Look at that helicopter flying below us.”
4. Improv Will Turn Into a Paying Career – Any. Second.
5. I’m a Freelance Social Media Intern – These are four words that parents don’t understand. It’s secret-young-person-code for sitting at your computer surfing Twitter and Facebook all day. And the word ‘Freelance’ implies that you are self-employed, while the word ‘Intern’ implies you work for no money. I know this for a fact because I’ve had more internships than anyone I’ve met.
6. The Job is Haunted – Tell them the job is located on top of a Native American burial ground. And, how the employee before you died … unexpectedly. It helps if you say this during a thunderstorm.
7. Parent’s Health – Who’s going to take care of those wacky parents? They’re not getting any younger. And you can’t start a job only to quit any second because you’re needed at home.
Well after that last one, your parents are definitely certain that you need psychological help. You never ask how they’re doing. So, you should be set for another couple of weeks.
Keep the faith – this unemployment thing might turn around. And remember, going to the pub counts as “networking.”
