a) …assaulting someone who happens to be fleeing the scene of a crime.
b) …stealing the police report you’re written up in.
c) …not getting arrested, period.
d) …laughing so much the cop assumes he’s on a hidden camera show.
e) …drinking near a clothing-optional beach.
f) …telling the cop a member of your family just died.
The movie most parallel to your drunk life would be:
a) …Mortal Kombat.
b) …The Italian Job.
c) …The Truman Show.
d) …Noises Off.
e) …Eyes Wide Shut.
f) …Sophie’s Choice.
The morning after a bender:
a) …you find you’ve got some unexplained stitches.
b) …your bedroom looks like a pawn shop.
c) …your whites are washed and folded.
d) …you’ve developed a new set of abs from laughing.
e) …you can never find the clothes you were wearing.
f) …you’re dehydrated, have a headache, and feel like you’ve endured a breakup.
Your drunken famous counterpart would be:
a) …Ike Turner.
b) …Thomas Crown.
c) …Mister Rogers.
d) …Jimmy Fallon.
e) …Matthew McConaughey.
f) …Tammie Faye Baker.
If you were a superhero, your power would be:
a) …your superior fighting skills.
b) …your ninja skills of stealth.
c) …your ability to blend in.
d) …your ability to remain positive in the face of adversity.
e) …being a perfect diversion for your crime fighting partners.
f) …your super sense of empathy.
If your drunk self had a mobster nickname, it would be:
a) …Enforcer.
b) …Collector.
c) …Voice of Reason.
d) …Happy-Go-Lucky.
e) …Nature Boy.
f) …Crybaby.
If you got mostly “A,” you’re … A Violent Drunk!
Get ready for the drunk tank, you’re a brawler. Alcohol brings out the beast within, so before you throw them back, make sure no one’s bitch is after yo’ man or you’ll throw down like you’re on Maury Povich. Best advice? Drink at home, where it’s just domestic violence. (Kidding.)
If you got mostly “B,” you’re … A Klepto Drunk!
A rare and mysterious breed, the klepto drunk has a proclivity for theft while under the influence. Many times you’ll return from a night out and find the next day you’ve acquired a new dessert spoon, Pilsner glass, or rustic menu. Best to avoid house parties, where you might drunkenly sneak away with the cute urn of Grandma’s ashes.
If you got mostly “C,” you’re … A Not Drunk Drunk!
Perhaps it’s from growing up with strict parents, but somewhere along the road, you mastered the art of appearing sober and normal while being totally schmasted. This is sweet for appearing reasonable in public, but sometimes bad, because people always think you’re good to drive. Carry a portable Breathalyzer to prove your BAC is the same as that of normal mortals.
If you got mostly “D,” you’re … A Happy Drunk!
People love you because you cause no problems, and you’re a blast to have at parties. You dance like crazy, love to spin around in circles like a kid, and laugh at basically anything. It’s a little awkward when you run into authority figures who aren’t as charmed by your antics, so perhaps steer clear of dancing in the streets.
If you got mostly “E,” you’re … A Naked Drunk!
Strip poker or not, you’re more likely to wind up nekkid when you’re lit than most any other time. While a party ain’t a party ’til a streaker runs by, keep in mind that person also winds up feeling very uncomfortable in a jail cell later on. If you just can’t keep your clothes on, make sure you’re the host of the party. No one can fault you for being nude on your own property.
If you got mostly “F,” you’re … A Weepy Drunk!
Somehow, no matter how fun the celebration, by the end of the night, you’re a sobbing mess of emotion. Whether it’s the guy who dumped you, the friend who hasn’t talked to you in a long time, or your childhood dog, some errant thought will inevitably make you bawl once you’re good and sloshed, you sloppy, weepy lush. Best advice: stop drinking while you’re buzzed and still happy. It’s all downhill after drink three.
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