Everyone’s entitled to have a bad day, but the problem with our bad days is that we often let them make other people’s days bad too. Buddhists call it Samara (“the cycle of suffering”). In L.A., we call it being a little bitch.
I advocate serenity, but the truth is you can’t achieve that unless you learn to chill. Sometimes, emotions get the better of you, for good or ill, and you have to deal with the consequences. So here are my ideas of how to make up for totally screwing up.
1. Donuts!
It’s an office thing and it’s a very acceptable form of apology in a work environment. Make a passing comment, “Donuts in the break room,” and when the offended party gets in there, reveal you saved the last flavored jelly donut for them! Easy and effective! Do not do this while still upset, or the temptation to somehow taint said jelly donut will be … powerful.
2. Fake a Tragedy.
This is one that I don’t use very much anymore, but it has served its purpose in the past. If someone is being a jackass, in your next encounter, reveal someone has died (or maybe your dog has died). Or maybe you just found out that you have a wasting disease and you started treatments recently. The offender now has the opportunity to show kindness and make peace with you! Yes, this is extremely Machiavellian, but it’s worth mentioning because it’s just so damn effective. Use with care.
3. Newton’ize it.
Newton said, “For every action, there is an equal and opposite…” yadda, yadda. To right Karma, just throw a weight on the other side of the scale! A friend of mine came to me and admitted that he had gotten drunk at a bar and made out with a random girl. He had a fiancé and the secret was killing him, but she would leave him if she found out. So I had him go back to the very same bar and make out with a guy. Balance restored, marriage saved and I feel pretty confident he will never mess up again.
4. Affirmation
Affirmations can be great reminders as to why it’s not a good idea to car jack someone for driving so slow when you’re late to work. Stop the problem before it starts! Take three deep breaths and remember that the person who is being a bastard to you is probably just having a bad day, too.
5. Head in your Hands.
Ultimately, the best technique is owning up to your mistake and admitting that you had a douchebag moment. I know “apology” isn’t the most inspired thing to put on this list, but look at it this way: if they don’t accept your apology, then THEY become the douchebags and you are free and clear of Karma’s ugly hammer. That’s worth it right? Or just spit on their donut.
