By Not-So-Bitchin’ Brian
The sheer volume of chicks a good bachelor hooks up with means the Law of Averages will hunt his ass down and crush his soul. I’m talking about Love. I’m saying that if you bang too many girls, one of two things will happen: you’ll get a disease or you will fall in love. How do you tell the difference? Scratching brings temporary relief for one, not for the other. One day you will find yourself in bed with a hot, heartless sex goddess that just wants you for your manhood and BAM! Your ass is grass. I’ll elaborate. Consider the following list a detection system that will gauge your masculinity and freedom.
1. Petting.
Petting should happen down below, not topside. If you EVER find yourself stroking her hair and not her clam, throw yourself out the nearest goddamn window. The alternative is catching yourself searching the net for bargains on roses. Flower shopping is no different than castration. Flower shopping is where pimps go to die.
2. Texting First.
You might as well cast your penis in bronze and give it to her as an engagement present. Do not ever establish first contact. When you do, you’ve surrendered your power and while that may work in the bed, on the phone, it’s like admitting you listen to Josh Groban. If you ever read “Hey wut r u up 2” being sent from your phone, you’re F#@&%@!
3. Texting Second.
When she texts you, don’t reply right away either. If you’re fighting the urge, if you must reply, if you can’t stop your hand and you’re getting all excited? Go ahead and text her back, BECAUSE YOU’RE SCREWED AT THAT POINT ANYWAY.
4. Paying for Dinner.
You might think, “Isn’t for dinner a great way to get laid”? No. Getting her drunk is a great way to get laid. Agreeing with all her complaints about her loser Ex is a great way to get laid. You know what the problem with paying for dinner is? That you’re out for dinner! If you find yourself sitting at a table with her that’s somewhere other than a coffee shop or a bar, grab a phone book and look for the finest mortuary you can so that your balls have a decent resting place.
5. The “L” Word.
If you feel the word on your lips, you still have options. They aren’t pretty, but it is a way to survive. Novocain. Duct Tape. Buy her earmuffs; tell her it’s hot as hell to see her wear them. Use the D.W.B.T. (Dirty Word Bail Out Technique). Replace the word “you” with anything else you enjoy. “I love rim jobs.” “I love tea bagging.” Women are way too f#@% smarter than men, they will know when you just said the “L” word, even if you didn’t really say it. So have some conviction. You don’t just love rim jobs, you composed an opera on them.
