5 Celebrities You Wanna Have A Secret Lesbian Affair With

Emma Stone is like that cute classmate in your college Pre-Med class that always arrives late, but always asks thoughtful questions that make the professor look like a complete dick when he doesn’t have a politically correct answer for them.  We hope to God she asks us to have a one-on-one study group with her so we can clandestinely crack out the Smirnoff, get her wasted, and then convince her that we’re the perfect gal pal to have her first “bisexual” experiment with.

Salma Hayek

She’s confident, she’s smart, AND she’s got the kind of cleavage that makes both straight girls and gay men take a second look and say, “DAMN!” (Then say “Damn” again with a Spanish upside down exclamation point.)  She also played Frida Kahlo — probably the sexiest female artist in history.  Who wouldn’t want to role-play with Salma one night by having her don a fake unibrow; then, while she kisses us sweetly, have her whisper something romantic into our ear like, “Let’s take off our clothes and read The Communist Manifesto together.”

Rachel Maddow

Maddow is that girl you met in graduate school who is so enamored with her field of study that she verges on being too eccentric and socially awkward.  But she ends up working her charm on you by means of her adorable public policy jokes.  Her playful goofiness, her need to get to the truth at all costs, and her tendency to match her converse shoes with every blazer she wears eventually pulls you further and further in — until one day you can’t help but be turned on (like she is) by the phrase “invest in U.S. infrastructure.”

Scarlett Johansson

You’ll never tell this to your boyfriend, but if he ever wanted a threesome, you wouldn’t mind a little bit of Scarlett.  First of all, her deep, raspy voice sounds just like a quarterback’s in mid-huddle.  (So sexy.)  She’s also like a naughtier, but somehow more innocent looking, Marilyn Monroe — with dainty feet like a North Pole Elf.  And who wouldn’t want to do the nasty with someone who looks just like the spawn of Marilyn Monroe and Santa’s little helpers?

Beyoncé

Oddly, you would only want to get with Beyoncé because you would want this dashing Diva to break up with you.  There’s something enthralling about Beyoncé when she’s righteously indignant, and has the moral high ground, that makes her super-duper hot to people of all orientations and sexes.  Girls may rule the world soon, but you wouldn’t half-mind it if Beyoncé ruled your world — then kicked you to the curb with her glittering stiletto heels.