Welcome back to the Kinda Epic TV Awards, where we take a gander around the broadcast television landscape and report our findings. Avoid slogging through hour upon hour of trite dialogue and manufactured reality show drama, we’ll find the best bits and bring them to you!
‘Most Gratifying Douchebag Elimination’ Award Goes to … Tyler Stone on Top Chef: Texas
We were giddy and gleeful at the return of our favorite savory morsel of cooking programming, and this season, Top Chef is messing with Texas. We smell baked beans in our near future. But this week’s most delicious moment was when Tyler Stone, a contestant who promised to be Executive Chef of Douchebaggery in the kitchen, was eliminated before the first cooking round was even over. Stone instantly got on our nerves with braggy comments about the rich clientele he serves, and how superior he is to chefs “twice his age.” But his comeuppance came-uppa early, when Stone pulled a hack job on some pork tenderloin. Our favorite head judge/Mr. Clean-look-a-like Tom Colicchio was aghast at Stone’s butchery, to which our egotistical Mr. Stone replied, “Well, I’m not a butcher.” Oh no, you do NOT backtalk Colicchio. Tommy C. sent Stone packing, quipping that this type of butchery is a “basic skill” for chefs. We are so relieved we don’t have to endure that cocky creampuff for an entire season.
‘Best Straight-Girl-on-Gay-Man Kiss’ Award Goes to … Leslie Mann and Eric Stonestreet on Modern Family
On Wednesday night’s Modern Family, Cam was faced with the biggest challenge of his life yet. Could he prove that he could pass for straight at a bar and pick up on an unsuspecting, pretty lady? To those of us who watch the show, the answer is obviously, um, no, Cam … definitely no. Eric Stonestreet, who plays Cam, does a pretty good job of gaying himself up AS MUCH AS HUMANLY possible to make sure we don’t miss it. At times, almost to the point of exaggerating the stereotype a tad too much (we love ya, Cam, but come on!). Still, in usual Cam fashion, he goes for the dare and tries to pick up on Katie, played by the fabulous Leslie Mann. Cam gets the digits only to find out later that Katie knew all along that Cam is gay and was only looking for a gay bestie. Disappointed, Cam explains to her that now he’d have to admit to Mitchell that he was right. Already in gay love with Cam, Katie puts on the performance of a lifetime when she plants a huge sloppy wet one on Cam in front of Mitchell. What made this kiss even more epic was the dialogue that followed:
Katie: Are you sure you’re gay?
Cam: No.
Mitchell: Cam?!
Cam: Yes.
When Lisa Vanderpump’s daughter, Pandora, gets married, only the very best will do. Real Housewives viewers have already been treated to disgusting levels of wealth and excess this season. A memorable example was when hanger-on Dana Wilkey took a break from desperately kissing Kyle Richards’ ass to brag about wearing $25,000 sunglasses. That’s nice, honey. Too bad money doesn’t buy dignity or self-respect. Back to our dear Lady Vanderpump. Needing a worthy locale to celebrate Pandora’s engagement, Lisa turns to her “good friend” and “huge weirdo,” Mohamed Hadid, a real estate developer with a ridiculous head of hair and an equally ridiculously young girlfriend. Watching this odd man flaunt his insane riches and his Hearst Castle-like mansion while manhandling his vacant-eyed, soul-deadened supermodelesque girlfriend was an experience everyone should enjoy! We propose a toast! Excess and gold-digging for all! Cheers!
‘Dumbest Tyra-ism of All Time’ Award goes to … Tyra Banks on America’s Next Top Model
Over the years, America’s Next Top Model fans have endured a bevy of unfortunate Tyra-isms that make their ears bleed, because they’ve slit their own wrists. If ears had wrists, that is. Hey, this is a metaphor. You see? Tyra is making us dumber already. Forget “booty tooch,” forget “smize,” Tyra has saved a new high (or low) in her quest for a catchphrase for this year’s All Star season with this doozy: “Pot Ledom.” What’s Pot Ledom, you ask? Well, it’s ‘Top Model’ spelled backwards, of course! And Tyra, in her infinite shamelessness, forced the models to integrate this childish slogan into the songs they wrote for this week’s viral video challenge. Never mind that poor Allison Harvard took the opportunity to write a highly personal ditty about her father’s passing, because what makes a heartfelt song better than a brand message spelled backwards? For shame, Tyra, for shame. But, our favorite dollface blood-obsessed model rose above and won the challenge, and also kinda almost got hit on by rapper Game. Epic win!
And, finally … ‘Best Embarrassing Divorce Fiasco’ Award Goes to … Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries!
