Violence against women continues to persist all over the world. Just when you think gender equality has come, that is the big fart of truth that will snap you back to reality and then smell real bad.
One of the many therapeutic, proactive, and practical things you can do is to take a women’s self-defense class. It will make you feel less like a member of the “fairer sex” and more like a member of the sex that best knows how to rip a man’s balls off.
Here are 4 reasons why a women’s self-defense class will be the coolest thing you ever take in your lifetime:
1) You get to grab a lot of testicles.
In my class there were two male instructors covered head to toe in padding. Hilarious. These male instructors assisted the main teacher, a short, boorish, powerhouse of a woman who emanated girl-power like a drunk sweats whiskey. These men were incredible because they had dedicated their lives to getting the piss beaten out of them repeatedly by women who just desperately needed to hit things.
2) Everyone cheers your name and encourages you to fight for your life.
As a girly-girl ballerina who never got into intramural sports, I can hardly describe the ascension I felt when, for the first time at 24, I heard my name shouted triumphantly by 10 women I barely knew, in unison, while I sparred with an assailant covered in padding. It was surreal. It was moving. It sounded like this: Come on, Emma! Go Emma, don’t stop, keep fighting, Emma! Claw his eyes out, Emma! He’s open, he’s open! Use your knee! Good Emma! Yes!
Sometimes you’d forget the name of the woman who was about to get attacked. So you’d whisper over your shoulder, “What’s her name again? Oh yeah, Claire. … You can do it, Claire! Smack him in the balls!”
3) Things get weird and that’s okay.
The male instructors would hurl racial slurs at the women in the class. That is to say, racial slurs consistent with the actual race of the woman. Or remarks about her body. Sh*t got real real fast. The idea was to create an appreciably realistic scenario in which rage, adrenaline, confusion, and terror are racing through your mind and body so that, if you ever do get into a real-life version of these scenarios, you will be able to drop-kick a rapist’s face even while feeling bad about your breasts or your Germanic ancestry or whatever this crazy person is saying to you.
4) You will bond with your mom.
If your mom found herself in the 70s, she will want to hear about your self-defense class. Then she will drift off into a hazy reverie about her own experience with karate, Gloria Steinem, and her starter husband. You will both be better for it.
At the end of the day, women will still be horribly exploited the world over, but you will know how to shove the bridge of a man’s nose up into his brain and I think we can all sleep a little easier knowing that.
♦♦♦
For more fierce humor, check out Political Subversities’ Tell Me What to Do [with My Vagina] Music Video!
There are actually two methods that will work, either one when applied will render an attacker completely helpless and immobilized in a matter of seconds and leave him totally incapacitated:
1. Testicle Twist (No-Fail) – It’s important to remember that getting a good firm grip on both of his balls is usually much more than a handful. You should lock your thumb and forefinger around over the top of the testicles. Once locked then twist to separate them, squeeze and jerk down hard to create the necessary pressure to cause extreme agonizing pain and shock.
2. Tesicle Squeeze – Squeezing one testicle allows more force to be applied to one organ rather than being evenly distributed on both of them. Any male will pass-out from the excruciating pain. A good hard squeeze on one of his balls will easily cause it to pop, crush and rupture.
1 or 2 – Rest Assured…..he won’t be getting back up anytime soon!
It’s true that the testicles are very sensitive to even the lightest taps and blows and most guys are aware of this and will try to protect their private parts against kicks or knees. What most females don’t realize is that in a last resort situation a guy will let you grab hold of his balls as long as your not putting up any kind of a fight or struggle. When the testicles are very gently handled, caressed and fondled with it actually serves as an act of pleasure, he thinks your doing him a sexual favor. Once you have gained his trust and when he least expects it, you can then finish him off and be rid of him for good by simply cuffing one of his balls in your hand then “squeezing” as hard as you can. Applying pressure to one testicle is much more effective as it allows more force to be applied to one organ rather then being evenly distributed on both of them which is usually more than a handful. A males testicle is much like a ripe plum without the pit and can easily be squashed, crushed and flattened by anyone. This will cause the attacker to go into immediate shock and unconsciousness or possibly even death if immediate medical attention is not available.
If only more females were aware of this!
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Reply ↓
I was taught that the best self-defense move for women is grabbing exposed testicles (as they would be at some stage in a sex attack), then twisting and pulling on them hard will make even the strongest of men curl up and freeze in agony before passing out in around 8 seconds. It’s still extremely effective even if we only manage to grab hold of only one testicle…
I was taught this from a woman who had actually done such a move against her attacker after she heared on a TV show about how it had worked successfully for another woman. She nows teaches this move to other women and girls in self defense classes. She also refers to the testicles as “womens allies in self-defense!”
This self-defense move should be in the armory of all women and girls.
On a serious note, grabbing and crushing testicles is now being referred to as “The NO-FAIL self-defense technique for women and girls!” as it’s been so effective in recent years.
I attended a womens self-defense class with 3 friends of mine which had 2 female instructors, and we all listened as one of them told us to “quickly grab the testicles, then squeeze, twist and pull on them as hard as you can until you either feel or hear a ‘pop’, then when your attacker slides to the ground in agony you then make a run to safety. Remember ladies, it’s important not to let go of his balls until you’ve popped them!”
How could we ever forget advice like that!
On a serious note, grabbing and crushing testicles is now being referred to as “The NO-FAIL self-defense technique for women and girls!” as it’s been so effective in recent years.
I attended a womens self-defense class with 3 friends of mine which had 2 female instructors, and we all listened as one of them told us to “quickly grab the testicles, then squeeze, twist and pull on them as hard as you can until you either feel or hear a ‘pop’, then when your attacker slides to the ground in agony you then make a run to safety. Remember ladies, it’s important not to let go of his balls until you’ve popped them!”
How could we ever forget advice like that!