2012 New Year’s Guide to Awesomeness

Every year, I have the same experience: blissed out in a semi-permanent Christmas cookie coma, I forget to make plans for New Year’s Eve, until suddenly I, and whomever else I might associate with, am in a panic for “something awesome” to do and someone hot to kiss, inevitably leading to some severe night-of disappointment.  Well guess what: NOT THIS YEAR!  Here are a few suggestions to guarantee your New Year’s is in no way lame-o.

1.  The Apocalypse!

Remember that Mayan Calendar/John Cusack disaster movie shit?  That 2012 is going to be the End of Days?  Forget partying like it’s 1999, let’s party like the world is ending!  This requires very little planning and no cover fee: just get a bottle of malt liquor in a paper bag, make your own “The End is Near” sign, and stand on the nearest corner in a delirious frenzy.  You will make a bunch of new friends, and the countdown to the ball drop will hold special significance as you start to scream hysterically.  Bonus: you can wear whatever you want, no need to get some extra fancy dress and uncomfortable heels.  Plus, the cops will probably be too busy with DUI’s to haul you off.

2.  Occupy New Year’s!

Source: Diplomacist.org
Who needs schmancy $50-cover parties with three floors of different DJs filled with people from Staten Island?  We’re in a recession, people.  Enter: Occupy New Year’s.  When your hipster friends lame out on making plans again, turn to your brethren in the 99%: they’ve been super committed to always showing up and are always happy to add a new person to the party.  There’s never any cover charge to join, there’s usually some kind of fun drum circle or acoustic guitar involved, and doubtless, at some point, someone will pass you a joint.  Plus, you’ll have a cool story: “What’d you do this New Year’s Eve?  I was just protesting mortgage foreclosures and practicing my right to free speech and shit.  You know.”

3.  Breaking Dawn!

If I wasn’t already dead, sitting through this movie would have done it!
Let’s face it.  If you’re in your late twenties, you’re pretty embarrassed that you are secretly stoked to see Bella and Edward get it on, so you’ve been waiting to make your move in the matinee.  Problem is, en route to the theater, you keep running into people you know doing their holiday shopping.  PROBLEM SOLVED!  No one is going to be seeing a movie on New Year’s Eve!  Fill up your flask, buy yourself a sweetass tray of nachos, and go for a late night showing with a spiked 20 oz jug of Coke Zero.  No one needs a midnight kiss when they can watch vampire-human sexcapades instead.

The best advice to not letting your New Year’s suck butt is to to get rid of unreasonable expectations: nix the hopes of making out with Ryan Gosling.  Although I DO hear he’ll be in New York….  Do I sense a thrilling stalking plan coming on?  That sounds pretty awesome.