12 Best Mustaches of All Time

The Mustache.  Since time immemorial, the wearing of a strip of hair on the upper lip has been the barometer of manliness.  Advanced shaving and grooming techniques are NOT for the wimpy!  Only the dudeliest of dudes has the cojones to pull off a truly awesome mustachio.  What follows is a meager compilation of individuals who have secured a hallowed spot in Hirsute History!

Here are the 12 Best Mustaches of All Time:

Borat Sagdiyev in Borat

We can all thank Sacha Baron Cohen’s Kazakh alter-ego for reigniting the flame of the manly mustache.  Such a thick and lustrous lip-growth hadn’t been seen since the ’70s!

Burt Reynolds

Speaking of the ’70s, here’s its undisputed hairy king, Mr. Burt Reynolds!  Note the cowboy hat and badass “Bandit” jacket.  This is truly a manly photo.

Tom Selleck

When you mention Burt Reynolds and mustaches, Tom Selleck is never far behind.  With perhaps an even manlier ‘stache than Reynolds, Magnum P.I. made the entire early ’80s swoon.  He’s so cool, his phone doesn’t even need a cord!

Hulk Hogan

Do you hear that?  It’s the sound of millions of Hulkamaniacs rubbing their little top lips, yearning for the day when they too can grow an awesomely manly Fu Manchu and tear off their shirts in public with no legal ramifications.

John Waters

One of the many magical aspects of the mustache is its ability to convey a wide and varied range of emotions and contextual information.  Exhibit A: Mr. John Waters, director of subversive and eclectic cinema.  He’s smiling, yet his teeth are bared like a hungry predator, and his pencil-thin ‘stache sits atop his many, many teeth like an ominous, black horizon.

Teddy Roosevelt

When he wasn’t boxing, commanding volunteer soldiers in Cuba, exploring the Amazon, or leading the free world, Theodore Roosevelt proudly displayed his soup-strainer!  When you think about it, how could our manliest president ever not sport a fine strip of good ol’ Americana on his top lip?

Albert Einstein

Einstein was devoting too many brain-grapes to science and whatnot to worry about looking pretty, i.e. wild hair, mismatched socks.  But, when you’re one of the smartest dudes alive, you can pretty much dress however you want.  And he made sure to maintain a sweeeeeeet mustache.  As he famously said, “Free mustache rides — 25 cents.” (He didn’t really say that.)

Gene Shalit

Movie reviewer and television fixture Gene Shalit made his mark by sporting an insanely bushy handlebar/Fu Manchu amalgamation.  He gives the look some added flair via extremely multi-colored bowties and ample punning.  And everyone enjoys a good, long session of punning!

Charlie Chaplin

History remembers Chaplin as the final notable individual to enjoy the beauty and warmth of the Toothbrush Mustache before it was forever soiled by Adolf Hitler.  Charlie, millions of individuals denied the ability to wear an even smaller patch of hair on their upper lip salute you!

The Lorax

Orange!  Yellow!  What could be more badass or mellow?

Dr. Seuss

This is Dr. Seuss.

 

And that’s one awesome mustache.  Wilford Brimley would be proud.

Salvador Dali

A true Mustache Hero.  Dali stands tall in the rankings of baller mustachios due to his creativity, commitment and utter panache!  A Mustache Evangelist, he delighted in finding new and wacky ways to style his ‘stache.

Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation

The Man, the Myth, the Mustache.  The Manliest of them all, Ron Swanson’s mustache is like a bright, searing beam of Y chromosome bringing out the dude in all of us.  We hail you, oh powerful and robust Swanson, and we bring you tribute in the form of steak and eggs!