Lady Gaga’s Presidential Cabinet

The next U.S. presidential election is already underway. But let’s keep it real, ladies, there’s only one candidate we would really vote for: Lady Gaga.

Gaga’s message of love and self-acceptance would make her an amazing president; and I betcha anything her presidential cabinet would end up looking like this:

First Gentleman:  Alejandro


Gaga’s object of desire in her previous album would initially make a wonderful First Gentleman.  But Gaga and Alejandro’s perfect marriage would quickly turn into one bad romance.  Gaga would end up falling in love with Judas, a White House intern who loves riding Harleys and has a penchant for leather jackets.

It wouldn’t be long before Alejandro grew suspicious of President Gaga’s poker face and discovered that Gaga was cheating on him.  The story of the affair would be leaked to the press, leading congress to impeach Gaga — forcing her to reveal that, for 10 years, she’s been hiding Judas’ love child.  The love child would be revealed as an alien-like, boulder-sized egg.

On learning the truth, the nation would not know whether to be shocked, aroused, intrigued, or totally wierded out.

First Order of Business:  Alejandro would have to travel around the country giving hush money to Lady Gaga’s other secret lovers, including a girl she met in East L.A. in floral shorts as sweet as May.

Vice President:  Beyonce

Ever since their hit song together, Telephone, Beyonce and Lady Gaga have made quite an impressive ambiguously gay duo.  After releasing her recent music video about girls ruling the world, Beyonce clearly has her sights set on becoming a world leader.  Besides, if something were to happen to Lady Gaga — like a wardrobe malfunction trying out her new “flaming machete” dress — who better to replace the most powerful Diva on the planet than the second most powerful Diva on the planet?

First Order of Business:  As an advocate for citizens who don’t want to be bothered on their cell phones while dancing, VP Beyonce would dismantle The Federal Communications Commission by poisoning all its workers with a Denny’s-style “grand-slam” breakfast.

Secretary of State:  Twitter


Who needs an actual person to head one of the most important international posts, when Gaga could fill the role simply by using her Twitter account?  She would tweet to every diplomat in every country, spreading her message of love and self-acceptance.  Eventually, her tweets would render national borders meaningless and create one, super gay nation under Mother Monster, indivisible, for liberty and penis heels for all.

First Order of Business: “@ reply” the world and wait for it to follow her.

Secretary of Health:  Elton John


It’s no secret that Elton John has a child (whose godmother is Lady Gaga, incidentally), so who else could serve as a better caretaker for the country than the tiny dancer himself, Elton John?  He’s already done so much to raise awareness for AIDS, so it would be no surprise that, as Secretary of State, Elton John would have AIDS wiped out faster than the flame on a candle — in the wind.

Unfortunately, Elton John’s “rocket man” effort to provide universal healthcare would fail due to a huge national deficit brought on by President Gaga spending tax-payer dollars on her outrageous collection of hats.  Due to the failure of his “Can You Heal with Love Tonight?” health care initiative, Elton John would hold a press conference announcing that he doesn’t have much money but, boy, if he did, he’d buy a big house where he and all the sick people could live.

Secretary of Defense:  Gaga’s Backup Dancers

If a terrorist attack hit American soil, Gaga would don a machine-gun bra and transform into the “Monster-in-Chief.”  She would lead the U.S. army in an invasion of enemy territory — an army that would be comprised of her backup dancers:  mostly gay men wearing high heels, fish-net stockings, leather dresses, lace blouses, disco ball eye-glasses, and 1950s “Beatle” hairstyles.

As soon as Gaga and her army arrived on enemy territory, her backup dancers would begin to heave and thrust.  The enemy would be so disoriented and sexually confused that they would have no choice but to stop… and watch as Gaga’s army touched themselves, touched President Gaga, and then participated in what could only be described as a very spirited, but slightly disturbing orgy.  The entire military assault would end with President Gaga making out with several women, murdering her boyfriend, then shedding a single tear.

Finally, a glittering unicorn would appear for no reason whatsoever, at which point the enemy would agree to sign a peace treaty out of sheer bewilderment.