1. Are you talking to: your great grandparents?
I guess what may be worse than not being able to find a job in your chosen field right out of college is having to get a full-time job at 12, just so your family can afford boots. So if wearing shoe boxes on your feet and having a 6th grade education is a symptom of The Great Depression, then not being able to afford a 3-day juice cleanse after you binge-ate Domino’s and beer would be called The Not-So-Bummer Summer?
2. Are you talking to: Lena Dunham?
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Remember in her Golden Globes speech when Lena said she was thankful for having her own show because it “made her feel less alone?” I, for one, am so pleased that my viewership could make Lena feel like she had a place in this world, (just as I’m sure certified old ladies, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, were thrilled to hear that their work got Lena through middle school), but something tells me that a 26 year-old millionaire can’t quite relate to me and my folding card table dining room set.
3. Are you talking to: someone who couldn’t afford to go to college?
In that case, they probably don’t have a ton of sympathy for someone who, for a full four years after high school, only had to worry about things like getting a passing grade on an essay titled, “A Queer Analysis of Xena: Warrior Princess” (a real paper I wrote), while they were out there paying bills and starting a career at 18. Meanwhile, at this point in their lives, they’re making bank as an electrician or whatever, and you’re sitting at your folding card table writing in your blog. You chose to go to art school, now you have to live with the consequences.
4. Are you talking to: your parents?
How much are they paying for your student loans every month while their retirement slowly slips away from them, just so you could go to college and have a life that was better than theirs? K.
5. Are you talking to: the Government?
6. Are you talking to: your alma mater?
The second I graduated, they started asking me for donations, so they don’t seem super concerned that I’ve lived in my apartment for four months and I still don’t own curtains.
7. Are you talking to: anyone over 30?
Despite graduating into a Clinton-Gore utopia, they still went through the exact same transitional phase that you are going through now. Go Netflix Reality Bites and I’ll prove it. And before you ask, that’s Janeane Garofalo, not Aubrey Plaza. Then go watch The Graduate. You didn’t invent floating around in your parents’ pool depressed for the entire summer after graduation.
8. Are you talking to: anyone under 30?
They don’t think this will happen to them. In their eyes, you are just a sad old person.
9. Are you talking to: me?
Just because you moved out of your hometown doesn’t make your champagne problems more interesting or important. I care as much about my high school friends’ babies as I do about my college friends’ webseries called Post Grad Probs and Post Gradz and #PostGradLife.
10. Are you talking to… these people:
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That’s a video about the work Amy Poehler does with the Worldwide Orphans Foundation, where people go to third world countries and basically just hug orphans because they don’t get enough human contact to develop normally. I’m guessing those orphans don’t care about your Quarter-Life Crisis. Also: homeless people, crack babies, harlequin babies (do not Google it), single mothers on welfare, and if you wanna hit up Mia Farrow’s twitter, she’s got a ton of links to bummer news stories that will make you feel like an asshole for ever complaining about your folding card table dining room set arrangement.
Are you having a quarter-life crisis that no one cares about? Tell us about it in the comments!
