10 Reasons We Hate Twitter (And 10 Reasons We Love It)

If you have a Twitter account, you probably experience the rampant love-hate climate changes on the daily. We commiserate.

As Twitter continues to become a more influential presence on the Internet, I think it’s a good time to reflect on what it is about Twitter that makes us fall in love with it — and what it is about it that makes us want to tear our eyes out, Oedipus-style.

So, here’s a list of 10 reasons why we hate Twitter, and 10 reasons why we love it:

10 Reasons Why We Hate Twitter

1. “Justin Bieber” is always the most popular Trending Topic.

2. “Bustin Jieber” is always the second most popular Trending Topic.

3. “Selena Gomez Is a Slut” is always the third most popular Trending Topic.

4. Most people who follow you are fake blond girls who want to sell you sex toys made in Japan.

5. There’s no “unwo” button.

6. Shit.  I meant to say: “There’s no ‘UNDO’ button.”

7. It turns douchebag celebrities (like Kanye West) into bigger douchebags by letting them be douchey in half the time it normally takes them to be complete and utter douchebags.

8. The term “followers” sounds way too stalker-ish.

9. The Fail Whale.  (Really, Twitter?  You could, at the very least, put on some Gloria Estefan music while we wait for you to get back online.)

10. It’s how we find out which celebrities have died recently — constantly reminding us of our inevitable mortality.  (Awww, Amy Winehouse.  When they tried to make you go to rehab, you really should have said: “Yeeees, Yeeees, Yeeees!”)

10 Reasons Why We Love Twitter

1. It breaks news faster than CNN.

2. It lets us use cool new lingo like “tweet,” “hashtag,” “handle,” and “retweet” — making us feel smug around older people who think we’re talking about drug dealing.

3. We can use it to reserve Noam Chomsky’s Manufacturing Consent from our local Occupy Wall Street library.

4. We get to know what the dreamy Dr. Sanjay Gupta is having for breakfast — making us feel like he’s our real-life Doctor husband, and not just our pretend Doctor husband.

5. We get access to great articles on a wide range of topics like sports, art, entertainment, science, fashion, technology, health, business, politics, and Eskimo gay porn.

6. You could literally spend an entire evening just reading Conan O’Brien’s tweets and laughing your ass off.

7. For those of you who are extremely egotistical, you could wake up every morning with thousands of people telling you “Good Morning”; and then you could go to sleep with thousands of people telling you “Good Night.”

8. For those of you who are sadomasochists, you get to wake up every morning with thousands of people listing the reasons why #YouSoUgly; and then you could go to sleep with thousands of people listing the reasons #WhyYou’reStillSingle.

9. Three words: Neil Fucking Patrick Fucking Harris.

10. Booty Tweets: whenever we feel lonely we can just send out a seductive tweet, wait for an @ reply, and then meet up with a follower to get our tweet on.  #BoomShikkaBowWoww.