Santa’s Elves are seen everywhere this time of year. You see them on ornaments, coffee mugs, Christmas cards, and at the mall, harassing children into sitting on Santa’s lap. People think elves are really special. But they’re not. Here are 10 reasons you thought elves were special…but actually make them quite normal.
1. Pointy Ears
Pointy ears are not special. We all have parts of our bodies that are a little weird. Big feet, long noses, saggy butts, extra appendages…but what do humans do? We either live with it or get plastic surgery.
2. Small Stature
They’re short. Genetics made elves short. Genetics made me short. Glad we both had so much control over that accomplishment. Where’s my medal?
3. Hard-working
Elves work all year making fancy things for no pay and we consider them hard-working. By the same logic, Egyptian slaves were hard-working. This does not make them special; it just means they have a shitty boss.
4. Thoughtful
Santa and his elves apparently can deliver anything you desire to your home one magical day a year. Amazon does the same thing… every day of the year.
5. Wood Crafts
Santa’s elves are good at working with wood. Too bad kids hate wooden toys and there are 3D printers that allow kids to make their own toys out of plastic with limited parental supervision. (Get one here: http://www.makerbot.com/)
6. Happy
Elves are always happy. Think of someone you know who is always happy. Do you like this person? No. No one does.
7. High Pitched Voices
Repeat #6.
8. Pointy Shoes
I could wear pointy shoes. But I wouldn’t get millions of Christmas ornaments made in my image. I would get blisters.
9. Reindeer
Elves get to take care of flying reindeer, but this does not make them special. It means they have to scoop flying poop.
10. Mining
Elves whistle while they work down in the mines looking for diamonds. Oh wait, that’s Snow White’s seven dwarves. Sorry, got elves confused with the OTHER diminutive, “hard working” group of imaginary creatures for a second.
And there you have it. 10 reasons elves are just not that special and shouldn’t get so much damn attention.
