10 Dumb Things About Christmas

There are a lot of traditions this time of year. We often do them without thinking, because we have done them since we were children. They help us re-live the magic that Christmas held for us years ago. This is totally fine. I’m not saying we should stop. But I am saying that they are dumb.

1. Christmas Trees

You kill a tree, stick it up in your living room, cover it in glitter and watch it die.

2. Non-Alcoholic Eggnog

It has a whole lot of calories with absolutely no payoff. Inefficient caloric expenditure is dangerous this time of year. Make every calorie count.

3. Cookies

You stress out about making 56 dozen cookies shaped like reindeer, only to receive 16 dozen additional cookies from assorted people in your life. Then you complain about how many cookies there are in the house, and that you’re getting fat.

4. Shopping

Instead of spending time with your family, you’re out spending time with strangers you resent, waiting in line to buy some crap your family doesn’t want. Plus, parking lots fill you with the kind of rage that even real eggnog can’t quell.

5. Wrapping Paper

You just killed more trees.

6. Wreaths

Just stare at a wreath for awhile. They start to look really dumb. Everyone gets obsessed with hanging little bits of dead plants all over their homes for Christmas: mistletoe, yule logs, Christmas trees, holly, garland, etc. That’s kinda weird.

7. Stockings

These are socks you hang on your wall or about your fireplace. Think about doing that in any other context.

8. Rudolph

He’s a freak. Let’s not sugarcoat this.

9. Christmas Cards

You spend hours writing about your year, printing pictures of yourself, and waiting in line at the USPS. Then, you receive letters back and judge everyone on how pathetic their lives are, how much weight they gained, and how horribly they write. You also just killed more trees.

10. Polar Bears

If it weren’t for Coca-Cola, polar bears would totally get the shaft during the holidays. Polar bears are badass. Christmas should have fewer dead plants and more polar bears.