You Wish You Were as Pimp as Nikola Tesla

Bitch, it is time to give up, ’cause you’ll never be as pimp as Nikola Tesla.

Yeah, Tesla, the baddest mother to ever develop the modern alternating current electrical supply system. Tesla, the most righteously dope inventor to develop a high-energy single terminal vacuum tube and correctly surmise radiation from X-rays causes damage to the human body, albeit for incorrect reasons.

How pimp was this Serbian-American badass behind most inventions of the twentieth century (and some of the twenty-first)?

1) Pimp was a straight-up mad scientist.

He accidentally caused an earthquake with his electro-mechanical oscillator after resonating the frequency of surrounding buildings and had to take a sledgehammer to the machine. You know how your cousin’s always talking about how he’ll cut anyone who looks at him? Tesla cut a city block by accident.

You and your cousin wish you were as pimp as Nikola Tesla.

2) Pimp invented a death ray.

You’d think after ‘quaking New York pimp would call it a day. Not my man Tesla. Naming his particle gun a “super weapon that would put an end to all war,” the plans died with Tesla but freaked the fuck out of Government so they confiscated all his stuff just in case he actually made one.

Did you come up with a “super weapon that would put an end to all war?” No? Then you wish you were as pimp as Nikola Tesla.

3) Pimp survived a mutiny like he was some goddamn pirate king.

Seriously, there was a mutiny onboard his ship coming to New York in 1884 and Tesla nearly got his bad self thrown overboard, but survived and then strutted down the gangplank with only four cents in his pocket like he owned the place, sure, lives through shipboard mutinies all the time, whatevs.

For this, you wish you were as pimp as Nikola Tesla.

4) Pimp was bougie before bougie was cool.

Pimp lived like an eccentric high roller in the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel, fired assistants for not dressing cool enough, and at six foot two had ladies following him like they were moths and he was a light bulb (which he helped invent). Sorry bitches, Tesla’s only got love for science!

For looking fly in baller digs, you wish you were as pimp as Tesla.

5) Pimp invented…

…the remote control, radar, the spark plug, the electric motor, wireless transceivers, wireless electricity, wireless telegraphy, the AC current, FM radio, early X-Rays, built the first hydroelectric plant, discovered the resonant frequency of the earth, spoke eight languages, and claimed to have communed with a white pigeon that shot laser light out of its eyes on his deathbed. BOOM!

Kowtow kids, ’cause you’ll never be as pimp as Nikola Tesla.