Why You Should Hate Kokopellis

1. Gift Shops
You can’t walk into a gift shop in the Southwest and not see a bunch of stupid crap covered with Kokopellis.  Hats, key chains, t-shirts, pencils — you name it, they’ve got it in Kokopelli.  Kokopellis make the most tacky, tasteless souvenirs and hence have become a tacky, tasteless symbol of the Southwest.

2. Snow Birds
Snow Birds are old white people who visit the Southwest to escape the Midwestern winter,  and to annoy the hell out of the locals.  They also fucking love Kokopelli shit.  You see them driving down the road at 15 mph with a gold Kolopelli hat, or waiting in line at the grocery store to buy some Preparation H in a teal Kolopelli sweatshirt, or sleeping on park benches with pink Kokopelli hand bags.  It’s gross, and they should leave.

3. Hunchbacks
A Kokopelli is basically a hunchback with a mohawk playing a flute.  Can you imagine how terrifying a Kokopelli would be as a real person?  For a fertility deity, I super just lost my woman boner.

4. Sperm
As an elementary school child in the Southwest, you’re made to draw Kokopellis on all sorts of stuff to learn about Native American culture.  But for some reason, you get in trouble for drawing sperm, penises and anal beads.  This is a terribly unfair double standard, and sends a confusing message to children.

5. Kenny G
Kenny G sucks.  Snow Birds like Kenny G.  Kenny G looks like a Kokopelli.  Snow Birds like Kokopellis.  Kokopellis suck.  QED.

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