Happy holidays, Comedivas and Comedudes! ‘Tis the season for fancy feasts, spiked eggnog/bitchy-in-law medicine, and, of course, getting just the right gifts for your near and dear.
For those of you who have kids, it’s also the time of year during which special memories are made — the kinds you’ll tell future generations about with twinkles in your eyes, or your kids’ll recount for their college friends through beer tears.
This could be a “How to Not” list, however, in an effort to avoid yucking y’all’s yums, this will just be a non-biased list of gifts that will probably haunt your kids forever.
Some parents secretly enjoy scaring the bejeezus out of their kin. And who can blame them? Puberty’s a big-time downer for everyone involved.
Tickle Me Elmo
Remember this phase? This toy was frowned upon at the time of its release because of its too-vigorous vibrations (but, in my opinion, automated dolls, period, are scary as all hell. Always avoid the automated doll aisle at Target. Always.).
Though, in TME’s defense, gifting this one could be a really clever way to break into The Talk.
Give this one to that kid of yours who has a penchant for penning, and tack on a sincere “You know, Snooki’s book, A Shore Thing, is a NY Times Bestseller…” and a “there’s hope for you yet!” wink after.
Or for that kid who watches too much reality TV and is threatening to take on Jersey Shore-fashion, it could act as a good fake-tan standard.
“As long as I’m not this orange,” they’ll tell themselves.
A Gym Membership
Sure, you mean well, but healthy mind, healthy body, right? Traumatize your kid enough and that membership might very well have a reverse effect. Because feelings can be delicious, especially when smothered with enough resentment.
Couple this with a book about inner beauty and you’ve got yourself an unforgettable holiday moment.
[Or, better yet, an XL Disney hoodie.]
From Justin to Kelly on DVD
“Remember when this was your favorite movie?” you’ll innocently say to your now-teen offspring.
In front of a friend or two.
A Gay Book
[Almost] in the words of Sarah Silverman: “Not ‘gay’ as in ‘retarded’; ‘gay’ as in ‘flaming.'”
Whether your kid’s gay is irrelevant: the magic is in the timing.
Pre-Coming Out: “Oh, God. …Do they know? Is this a trap?”
Post-Coming Out: “Oh, God. There’s sex talk in this book. …They don’t want to talk about this, do they?”
Not Gay: “I’M GONNA DIE ALONE.”
And there you have it, dear readers: five surefire ways to get back at your kids for all their raging hormones. Or things to avoid in order to delay said hormones’ vengeance.