Worst Sci-Fi Crossover Boy Band Ever

Let’s close our eyes and go to a place where our crystal minds and magenta feelings take up shelter… Chic-a-cherry-cola-what?  That’s right!  We’re talking about boybands and science fiction!  Pop music is much like the Force; this is an indisputable fact.

Yes, there’s something delightfully terrible about boybands; their music is a long-cherished guilty pleasure. However, from New Kids on the Block to the Jonas Brothers, boy bands have defined generations (for better or worse).  Similarly, the science fiction genre has brought us a plethora of marvelous stories and characters that reflect the times.  What would the late 70s and the 80s have been without Star Wars?  What would we do without the X-Men now?  Fortunately, we never have to answer those questions!

Alas, as is the nature of art, society must suffer the bad with the good — and the worst of something sure does say a lot about the whole.  Hhhhhhmmm[Bop], it really makes you think, right?

Let’s engage in a zany, fun, [truly, madly, deeply], and nerdy thought experiment and build the best boyband from the worst of all science fiction personas.  These characters might be more than two worlds apart but that doesn’t mean they can’t rock out!  It’s time to find out who has the right stuff to be a part of the best worst boyband in all of sci-fi history.  Don’t worry, Padawan.  We’ll take it step by step.

The Band Name: Ja-Ruby Crushclops 5

The Band Members

Lead Vocals: Jar Jar Binks

jar jar binks in a bandJar Jar Binks stands out as the most hated character in all of Star Wars – if not the entire canon of science fiction.

Lead Guitar/Vocals: Ruby Rhod

Ruby Rhod singsWhile The Fifth Element is a stellar, uniquely quirky film, Ruby Rhod is distractingly irritating throughout.

Keyboards: Wesley Crusher

wesley crusher boy bandStar Trek: The Next Generation brought us seven glorious seasons — each marred by the painful existence of child prodigy Wesley.

Bass Guitar: Scott “Cyclops” Summers

cyclops in a bandThe X-Men as a whole are a wonderfully engaging group.  There’s one weak, whiny link, and that’s Cyclops.

Drums: Johnny 5

johnny 5 is aliveThe naïve, obnoxious robot from the Short Circuit movies set the standard for annoying droids on film. Plus, every crappy sci-fi boyband needs a robot.  Duh.

Song Styles
Now that Ja-Ruby Crushclops 5 have the gift of melody, what kind of dirty pop will they bring until the end?

Jar Jar opts for a reggae number, since he’s racist like that.  Ruby Rod strives for a synth pop feel.  Both Wesley Crusher and Cyclops straight up emulate Milli Vanilli.  As for Number Five, he’s all about dubstep.   Ja-Ruby Crushclops 5 eventually finds their groove; it’s all kinds of awful/glorious.

The Band’s Inevitable Demise
It’s written in the stars.  Jar Jar develops a drug problem.  One night, when Wesley attempts to intervene, Jar Jar attacks him with shards of a broken crack-snortin’ mirror, chopping off both of the ensign’s middle fingers.  Wesley is forced out of the band, as he can no longer play keyboards.  Cyclops, aided by Johnny 5, attempts a coup d’état to seize leadership from Jar Jar.  Ruby Rhod is so shocked by the power struggle that he goes into a permanent catatonic state, which is a relief to many.  Jar Jar lashes back, saying he’s leaving the bad and returning to Naboo where hopefully we will never see him again.  Cylcops and Johnny 5 attempt a career as a duo act, but only ever release one album, which is panned by critics both in the Milky Way — and in a galaxy far, far away. 

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About the author

Kristen Bobst is a grade-A comedy writer, an unstoppable sock puppeteer, and the world's foremost whimsy aficionado. She certainly believes the meaning of life really is 42; and right now Kristen is really into The Carrie Diaries. Comediva. Where the funny girls are.

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