Worst Presents of All Time

Ever since prehistoric man wrapped meat hunks in leaves to give to his cave-sweetie, people have been receiving sucky presents.  It’s such an epidemic that young children are trained to smile and say “thank you,” regardless of what crap they just unwrapped.  However, some presents are far worse than a stale fruitcake, or yet another package of tube socks.  Some presents deserve the appellation: WORST PRESENTS OF ALL TIME!!!  Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha.

5) The Trojan Horse


The standard in awful gift-giving.  Although common courtesy dictates that we smile and accept all gifts, the lesson here is: when you find an enormous wooden horse outside your city walls during a brutal siege, knowing that it could harbor a gaggle of your mortal enemies intent on slaughtering you to the last man, please do “look a gift horse in the mouth.”

4) Czechoslovakia

Hello, Sudetenland! All übermenschen on the right, everyone else … sorry.
I bet British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain never expected the thoughtful gift of the Sudetenland area of Czechoslovakia he gave to Hitler would brand him as a coward and a fool for all time.  Well, sucks to be him.  Actually, sucks to be Europe, as Hitler then invaded Poland and began WWII.  Thanks, Neville.

3) Smallpox-Infested Blankets

Arrr, would’ja like a blankee, lil’ girl? Don’t mind me scratching, ’tis only a hideous pustule.
Lord Jeffrey Amherst is “credited” with encouraging this strategy to “reduce” the Native American population in the late 1700s.  Unwashed sailors and soldiers rubbed their weeping sores and scabby balls all over blankets and clothes, contaminating them with smallpox, syphilis, tuberculosis and all the other yummy epidemics that living in hideously filthy conditions in Europe gave the White Man.  So, thanks for innovating germ warfare, Jeff!  And all we got you was a card…

2) The A-Bomb

Source: Snydertalk.com
A parting gift from the U.S. to the Empire of Japan to close off the WWII festivities begun by the lovely gift of Czechoslovakia, this is a truly shitty present.  Most friendly offerings don’t result in almost a quarter of a million deaths within four months, except for sex with Lindsay Lohan.  Maybe a fruitcake isn’t that bad after all.

1) Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace


Worst. Present. Ever.  Eff you, George.