Ewoks. They’re the cute, tiny bear‐like aliens that inhabit the Forest Moon of Endor. Their doglike mannerisms and wide‐eyes (which do NOT blink) fondly remind each of us of our favorite pet. As a child, I repeatedly watched Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure and Battle for Endor like they were the only two movies in existence. I longed to be Cindel Towani (minus the whole family massacre thing) and share adventures with Wicket.
That is, until a few months ago, when I rewatched Return of the Jedi. For the first time, after all these years, I finally realized…
EWOKS EAT HUMANS.
It’s an ugly truth that is quickly brushed under the rug, a skeleton buried deep in the closet, the topic of conversation no one mentions at the Rebellion Reunions. I can picture Han Solo now, sipping a brewski at the yearly Endor BBQ, reminiscing the day the Death Star Dos exploded, but politely forgetting that his three‐foot companions once tried to eat him.
Yeah, that’s right. The Ewoks attempt to roast Han and Luke like pigs on a spit.
Luckily, Luke uses some Jedi mind tricks, convinces the two‐legged mongrels that C‐ 3PO is a god, and commands their release. After the destruction of the Death Star Dos, the Rebels and the Ewoks throw a massive celebration. Do you think the Ewoks overcame their desire for human flesh? Doubtful.
I question what they grilled at that party.
Now, why is it that the Ewoks’ horrible, carnivorous appetite is easily overlooked? Because they’re so darn cute. Sadly, that’s how society works. The better looking something is, the more it gets away with. My cat, for example, loves to bite. But I always forgive him because he’s so soft and furry. If my cat had scales instead of fur, I wouldn’t forgive him as easily (he also would be a gator and not a cat). So, had the Ewoks looked like Rancors, their blood lust would be less forgiving.
In short, Ewoks are just as evil as Rancors. When choosing your terrifying costumes this Halloween, please remember the Ewok.
