Who’d Win In a Quidditch Match: Jeremy Lin or Tim Tebow?

It’s hard to know who the superior athlete is between these two hot, young, sporty rock stars: Jeremy Lin and Tim Tebow.  Since comparing footballs to basketballs is akin to the age-old apples v. oranges plight, Lin and Tebow need to be matched on equal terrain.  What better way to find out who the better athlete is that to put Tim Tebow and Jeremy Lin on a Quidditch pitch?!

Fun fact: Harry Potter fans everywhere have been successfully picking Super Bowl, Preakness, and World Series winners based on the a hypothetical Quidditch-rating system which translates real world sports stats into theoretical Quidditch scores.  Let’s put this to the test, Tebow-Lin-style!

First things first, in order to keep in line with the rules of the Harry Potter universe, Lin and Tebow must be sorted in the appropriate houses.

Given his interest in philanthropy and his support of Christian tenets, Tim Tebow’s attributes of “fair play,” “hard work,” and “dedication” make him a perfect fit for…HUFFLEPUFF!

Jeremy Lin’s Harvard education is a testament to his “intelligence” and “wit,” two hallmarks of house…RAVENCLAW!

Well, magical sports-fans, it looks like we are gearing up for one heck of a Quidditch match.  It’s Hufflepuff versus Ravenclaw, with Tebow and Lin as respective captains.  Now, given the standard Harry Potter rules for Quidditch, as team captains get to choose their six other teammates.  However, since this is a non-standard thought experiment, Comediva is breaking Quidditch history in this one-on one winner-take-all Quidditch match.  Hold tight to your broomsticks, it’s gonna be a wild ride.

To find out who would win this sudden death mano-a-mano Quidditch match, we need to analyze the skillsets of either player.

Lin‘s experience as a point guard gives him an advantage over Tebow so far as “ball-handling” in concerned.  Quaffles are tricky balls and Lin’s quick footwork on the b-ball court would give him the upper hand in maneuvering on a broom over a Quidditch pitch.

Tim Tebow‘s quarterback skills, however, would mean that he’d be able to score more long-distance goals. Given the contact-heavy nature of football, Tebow could sustain many more Bludger blows.

As far as the Golden Snitch is concerned, Lin’s effectiveness in assisting baskets wouldn’t do much in chasing down the tiny little sphere.  However, Tebow’s on-field agility would increase the likelihood of Snitch-catching.

It’s a mightily close call but it looks like Tebow wins!  Ten points for Hufflepuff!

Soon wizards everywhere will be Tebow-ing on their broomsticks! 


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About the author

Kristen Bobst is a grade-A comedy writer, an unstoppable sock puppeteer, and the world's foremost whimsy aficionado. She certainly believes the meaning of life really is 42; and right now Kristen is really into The Carrie Diaries. Comediva. Where the funny girls are.

View all articles by Kristen Bobst

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