1. On a Saturday night, you can probably be found…
A. watching Saturday Night Live and thinking about all of the babies you and Kristen Wiig might produce.
B. downing a whole pint of Ben & Jerry’s because that one hair-tie on your counter reminded you of your ex.
C. lathering up the hair gel, donning your members only jacket, and leaving those hotties at the club no choice but to fall for your charms. No choice.
D. taking a salsa class so as to woo your spicy love interest.
E. on your third no-action-promised date, taking your time.
F. having a cozy night in with your special lady/dude/person-friend.
2. The Dawson’s Creek character you most identified with was…
A. Jen. The only character on the show who was genuine and loving and kickass and I wanted to be her BFF so badly.
B. Dawson. He was such a loner, so in-tune with his feelings.
C. Pacey. WHAT A HO. Gets what he wants, when he wants it. Including a teacher. WUTTT. #HoPride
D. Andie. SNAP, I needed help. Kinda needy, kinda desperate… my diary’s chock full cringe-worthy entries.
E. Joey. What a tease!
F. Jack. So sensitive and caring. In it for the long run, your relationships mean the world to you.
3. You could best describe your fashion-sense as…
A. comfortable. All I need are my sweatpants and t-shirt (which is still stained from last night’s primetime sesh).
B. all black. As black as the watery depths of my loneliness.
C. loud and sexy! Nobody can resist my tight leather swagga!
D. dancing shoes and a fiery salsa dress — always ready to party!
E. unassuming. Flattering, but not too out there. Something that says, “I take care of myself, and I’m definitely not a bro-ho.”
F. classy. Only the highest of couture will do.
4. Your pick-up line of choice is…
A. “They say the camera adds 10 lbs…which is why I could never join you in your universe. *SOB*”
B. “OH GOD WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?”
C. “Yeahhhhh, I see you checkin’ me out. You like? Of course you do.”
D. “Eres so bonita I wanna traer you to mi casa.”
E. “Hey, let me get that door for you. Oh! You wanna hold hands? Shucks!”
F. “Hey, baby, we can do whatever you like. You’re the boss, just say the word.”
5. Your last relationship ended because…
A. they effin’ hooked up with that SKANK who just COMPLAINS AND COMPLAINS AND COMPLAINS and doesn’t do jack for the show.
B. I DON’T KNOW. GAHHHH!
C. that douche just didn’t get me. Clearly, I’m on to greener pastures.
D. I failed my salsa and Spanish classes.
E. things were moving toooo slowly.
F. it didn’t. We’ll be together, 4eva.
6. Which drink most occupied your ’90s fridge?
A. Tang. Super cheap and easy to make. Emphasis on “super cheap.”
B. Tonic water. Straight. A bitter cleanse. Of your soul.
C. Dom Pèrignon. So classy! Awwwww-yeahhhhhh.
D. Bottles and bottles of margarita mix. That’s impressive, right?
E. Yoohoo: perfectly innocent, with just the right amount of fun for you.
F. Ovaltine. Wholesome, chock full of all the nutrients your body needs.
7. What kind of car did you drive in the ’90s?
A. The family station-wagon. …I didn’t really go out that much anyway.
B. I didn’t. I walked everywhere. I was one with nature, and my inner-self.
C. A Dodge Viper, baby. WUTTTT.
D. An El Camino. ¡Que padre!
E. A Tercel. Practical, age-appropriate…
F. A Volvo. Safe and strong. With a touch of class.
Results:
Mostly As: “Girl On TV,” by LFO
The most significant relationships in your life are the ones you share with fictional TV characters and a [whole] package of Oreos.
Mostly Bs: “Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely,” by The Backstreet Boys
You’re a wallower. You wallow. Any little thing that bears any semblance to any minute detail of any past relationship, no matter how shitty, sends you on a downward spiral through the land of carbs, Titanic, and friends who’ve wiped away one too many of your beer tears.
Mostly Cs: “It’s Gonna Be Me,” by N’ Sync
Brimming with confidence, you don’t take “no” for an answer. Your hair is ever so delicately spiked and high-lit according to that one article about “aphrodisiacs” you found in that — what was that thing called? — “encyclopedia” in your parents’ study.
Mostly Ds: “Give Me Just One Night [Una Noche],” by 98 Degrees
Some call it a fetish, others desperation… But you know what you like, and you’ll do whatever it takes to get it. Her. Him. Them. Even if it means taking last-minute Spanish classes to spout nonsense at the object of your affection.
Mostly Es: “Step By Step,” by New Kids On the Block
You like to take things slowly: ever-so-gently shimmy your way into your lover’s pants rather than fortify your potential pants-ripping biceps. You feel where force fails, kindness, gentleness, and a shit-ton of sexual tension make the eventual “climax” all the more worthwhile.
Mostly Fs: “I’ll Make Love To You,” by Boyz II Men
Smooooooth-talker. A true romantic, you stick to your snuggle-buddy like honey; sweet til the very end. Considerate, passionate, and pretty confident about your endurance, you’re a keeper.
