1. Some blonde lady will get pregnant.
We know pregnancy can make your hair stronger and longer — but blonder? Seems about right from the looks of Katherine Heigl (Knocked Up), Amy Poehler (Baby Mama), and Elizabeth Banks (What to Expect…)
[Author’s note: Of course, there are exceptions. As in: yeah, we get it Juno. You’re so different and unique.]
2. There will be a useless montage of chicks peeing on sticks.
Neither the pregnancy tests nor the subtle jokes they sneak in there will become more effective with time. This is an excellent opportunity for a smoke break.
3. Friends will treat the subject of abortion like it’s Voldemort.
Everyone will be talking about it, though they dare not speak its name. From “just take care of it” to “you should go to the schma-schmortion clinic,” you’ll hear a lot of euphemisms used in abortion advice.
4. No one wants to be a grandma.
When hearing about the big news, the soon-to-be grandmother is rarely excited, and will occasionally jump on the schma-schmortion bandwagon.
5. Little miss preggers will b*tch about getting fat and ugly, even though she still looks gorgeous as ever.
Hollywood has given us our standard of beauty, and now they’re after our standard of fat and ugly. Thanks for modeling that, Hollywood. Without it, some of us gals wouldn’t know how to feel crappy about ourselves when nothing’s really wrong.
6. Baby daddies say the darndest things…
…and they always say them to their pregnant lady friends, usually at the baby shower.
7. The OBGYN is gonna be a huge douche.
Which may explain why they’re so inclined to be all up in a vagina, even though there are clear signs that they shouldn’t be.
8. One way or another, she’s getting an epidural.
Even if she’s learned about the dangers in a Lamaze class or decided she’s strictly against it. After a lot of screaming and bad jokes about good drugs, our soon-to-be-mommy will cave in and realize she was a fucking nut bag to ever think she didn’t want it.
9. Babies make everything better—DUH!
In the five or so minutes that the babies are crammed into the movie, nothing actually gets better, but the babies sure as hell make everything better — most likely because they’re around for five or so minutes.
Ladies, what do you think about movies dealing with pregnancy?