What Happens When You Replace Bella Swan with a Banana


Edward Cullen: I know what you are
Bella Swan: Say it…out loud. Say it.
Edward Cullen: Banana. You’re a banana.



 Jacob Black: Your skin looks like a little ripe, want me to peel it for you?



Carlisle Cullen: Bella is with Edward.  She’s part of family now. We protect our family from being peeled.



Edward Cullen: No measure of time with you will be long enough, but we’ll start with forever. Or at least until you start to blacken.



Bella Swan: Nessie? You nicknamed my daughter after the Loch Ness Monster?
Jacob Black: It was either that or Chiquita mini. 



Edward Cullen: You’re like my own personal brand of banana. Way better than Del Monte.



Bella Swan: I can do this, I lied to myself feebly. No one was going to bite me or try to bake me into a banana bread. 



Bella Swan: I dream about being with you, forever.
Edward Cullen: Forever? You’ll barely last two weeks before you start to attract the fruit flies.



Bella Swan: What was that?
Edward Cullen: She showed you the first memory she has of you.
Bella Swan: Showed me how?
Edward Cullen: How do I hear thoughts? How does Alice see the future? She’s gifted.
Bella Swan: For being half-banana, she sure is.



Jacob Black: Have you ever had a secret you couldn’t tell anyone?
Bella Swan: Aside from the fact that I’m a banana? I don’t think so.



Edward Cullen: That’s because you believe only the lies… the camouflage. I’m the world’s most dangerous predator, Bella. Every thing about me invites you in. My voice, my face, even my smell. As if I would need any of that… as if you could out run me… as if you could fight me off. I’m designed to kill.
Bella Swan: I don’t care.
Edward Cullen: I’ve killed people before.
Bella Swan: And I’ve been living my life as a banana, Edward. A goddamn banana.



Mike Newton: You and Cullen huh?
Bella Swan: [nods]
Mike Newton: I don’t like it. He looks at you like… you’re something to eat.
Bella Swan: He wouldn’t be the first.



Edward Cullen: Bella won’t be out too late tonight. She’s just gonna play baseball with my family.
Charlie Swan: Baseball?
Edward Cullen: Yes, sir. That’s the plan.
Charlie Swan: [stifles an amused chuckle] Bella’s gonna play baseball. Well… good luck with that.
Bella Swan: Wait, you all do you realize I’m a banana right?




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About the author

Felicia Ho is a Critical Studies of Cinema-TV major at USC and an intern for Comediva. Born and raised in the San Francisco Bay Area, she now resides in Los Angeles because of a need to understand the true meaning of crippling loneliness. Besides frantically trying to figure out what to do for the rest of her life, she also enjoys movie theater nachos and judging other people's Spotify playlists. Most of all she just wants to live her life based on a sign she once saw at Target: "Love. Laughter. Joy."

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