The Flu
Thermal wraps are the new fad for breaking down cellulite and cleansing fat from the body. You can burn up to 1300 calories an hour just by sweating out 50 minutes in a medispa. But who needs to drop $90 on a treatment you can get FOR FREE? Haven’t got your flu shot yet? Good! Save the $25 and hang out in an elementary school near the especially snot-filled young ones. You’ll be running a calorie-torching fever in NO TIME. And you know what they say about starving a fever and all—hello bikini season! You’ll be dropping sizes faster than you spike in internal body temperature!
The Nervous Mental Breakdown
Feeling stressed? Boo! High cortisol levels lead to extra stubborn belly fat. So now you’re both anxious AND fat. How is that fair? Don’t worry: just add a little more than you can handle and you’re back on track to six-pack abs! Project due in a day and you have no idea what your doing? $60,000 in debt? Think you’ve got herpes? Cat got cancer? The more the better! Randomly bursting into tears throughout the day is basically interval training: you’ll get rid of that extra water weight, and those uncontrollable heaving sobs are basically like Pilates class without having to shell out to use the Reformer machines. Bonus! You’re also sure to use up that extra snack after dinner when your anxiety-related insomnia keeps you up all night pacing the house. Add in some jacks to that pacing to rev up that heartrate… if your heart isn’t already racing from a panic attack!
Go Off of Birth Control
Regulating your hormones can lead to weight gain, and taking birth control also makes you a prostitute and a slut. At least that’s what I heard! Stop making America pay for your sluttiness and return to nature. By simply going off your trusty pill, you’ll immediately shed pounds like nothing! Unless of course you get pregnant… that adds at least like 30 pounds. But then you’ll get a sweet rack, and breast feeding’s basically better than spin class, so it’s pretty much win-win!
Cut Off Your Head
Did you know the average human head weighs ten pounds? The quick fix to losing those last stubborn ten is finally solved. You’re welcome!
Next week: Tasty Diet Recipes, including Tapeworm Pesto paired with Milk of Magnesia Punch!
You forgot to add time travel- going back in time and NOT finishing off an entire jar of Nutella with graham crackers.. Not that I did that last night or anything.