twat-swat
twat•swat [twot-swot] verb, noun
- To rescue a friend from a questionable romantic/velocirapturesque encounter.
- Revenge.
We all have that friend: the one with an endless supply of beer tears that never seems to wash away her propensity for sleazy and altogether unworthy bedmates.
Or that other friend: the one who never seems to forget that time you got wasted, squatted over a small post, and announced to the world that you were being deflowered. At least, she likes to mention it whenever you manage to strike up a conversation with a hottie.
So what do you do when enough is enough? When late-night girl-talk’s subsequent sleep deprivation has taken its toll? When you start to confuse your friend’s love life with that of “True Blood’s” Sookie? When you’re down to your last few spoonfuls of Ben & Jerry’s? When you’re driven to spoonsturbation? When you’re consumed with Kill Bill-esque blood-lust?
You take action.
Apart from constantly reminding your friend of her awesomeness, or pretending to laugh at her you-deprecating tales, it’s imperative that you stay vigilant and ensure that either no douchebag finds their way into Naïve Nancy’s pants, or Bitchy Bertha never finds her way into some hottie’s pants, depending on the situation.
So here are a few things you can do to keep yourself sane and your friend STI-and-stress free:
1. Casually mention the fact that you have both a black belt and zero capacity for restraint — like that time you found out your friend’s ex gave her the clap and the next thing you knew you were being handed a restraining order.
2. Bring up something mildly embarrassing about your friend, even if it isn’t necessarily true (ie “Hey, remember that time you thought mom jeans were making a comeback? Like, a week ago?”)
3. Don’t laugh at any of the perceived d-bag’s jokes; instead, always reply with something along the lines of, “Oh.”
4. Feign lesbianism.
5. Grope them.
6. Break out in a random and obnoxious dance that you call “The Sexy Dance.” Then tell them that you learned everything you know from your friend. And wasn’t that sexy?
7. If #1 doesn’t really suit you, and your target is a guy, turn the topic around to all those feminist classes you and your twat-swatee took in college. As well as that elective that was all about ancient torture techniques. Like castration. Then describe castration in detail.
8. Pretend to be pass-out drunk, or actually be pass-out drunk.
9. Tell your target — regardless of gender — that they remind you of Gilbert Gottfried. Don’t elaborate.
10. Actually swat your friend’s twat. Nobody likes a person who lacks boundaries.
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And there you have it: twat-swatting.
Because it’s one thing to be all for people making and learning from their own mistakes, but it’s another when said mistakes start to impede on your Alone and Content Sweatpants Time.
And some people are just asking for it.
