Tired of those passé raves, lackluster all-nighters, and ho-hum bacchanalias? Want to end summer with a bang?
Good news, we’ve got just the thing — and you don’t even have to sacrifice a goat! The following instructions will guarantee you the Ultimate Sexy Barbecue Party Game Experience.
Disclaimer: This ain’t no family picnic. Comediva is not responsible for any BBQ-induced injuries, pregnancies, or broken hearts.
Step One: Icebreakers and Informative Jell-O Shots
Don’t break the ice — beat the hell out of it. Parties often begin with awkward handshakes and way too many have-you-met-so-and-sos. Ditch that nonsense! When each guest arrives, arm him/her with a pair of goggles and direct ’em to “Jell-O Piñata.” Your friends will mingle while working out rage issues on an unsuspecting gelatin-infused papier-mâché donkey. To further acquaint your guests, and to lube them up socially, supply a colorful variety of high proof Jell-O shots. Different flavors for different appetites: Red = Single, Green = Taken, Yellow = Gay, Purple = Swinger, Pink = Shy, Blue = Into Weird Fetishes.
Step Two: Delicious, Hot, and Sticky
By now, people will be hungry. Fill their stomachs with succulent BBQ aphrodisiacs. Question: What’s the sexiest thing about a BBQ? Answer: Pale, squishy buns. A Burger Swimsuit Contest will turn up the heat. Everyone adorns him or herself in burger paraphernalia (buns, condiments, carefully placed meat). Couples pair up and eat the burger ingredients off each other as quickly as possible. Finish the meal with a Sexy Popsicle Eating Competition. Encourage your participants to be as creative as possible with this one! There’s more than one way to melt a popsicle…
Step Three: Marco Polo’s Spinning Absinthe Bottle
This step is a spin on two popular party games: Spin the Bottle and Marco Polo.
Choose a “Marco.” Arm him/her with a full absinthe bottle (the illegal stuff from Belarus works best). Whenever Marco calls “Fish out of water” everyone not in the pool has to play an impromptu game of Spin the Bottle. Instead of mere kissing, however, the bottle spinner and spin-ee must do body shots off one another. Additionally, when Marco catches a Polo, the Polo must — you guessed it — Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!
Step Four: Seven Minutes of Erotic Art in Twister Heaven
You will need: A Twister mat in a dark room (“Twister Heaven”), body paint, a stopwatch, and an intrepid billy goat. This final step works best under the cover of darkness and after your friends have signed away their legal rights in a carefully worded waiver. Send partygoers, in pairs, into Twister Heaven. They have seven minutes to get as much body paint on each other as possible while following standard Twister rules. Anyone who gets any paint on the goat automatically loses and is on “goat duty” for the rest of the night. The winners get to pick places first in the next and final step.
Step Five: Who Doesn’t Love a Good Orgy?
By this time in the night, everyone will be covered in chocolate sauce and body paint, high on absinthe, and ready to really get down to business. Remember to supply a variety of prophylactics and an assortment of midnight munchies for those mid-coital snackers. Also, it’s best to blindfold the goat; you don’t want any witnesses. Turn on your orgy music of choice (Bee Gees or Vivaldi works best), throw down some pillows, blankets, and handcuffs, cross your fingers, cover your eyes, and enjoy the Ultimate Sexy Barbecue Party Game Experience.
There you have it! Start calligraphy-ing those invitations; you’re having a party!