Here is our Fantasy Football team, emphasis on “fantasy”:
Quarterback — Katniss Everdeen
After years of illegal hunting to keep her family alive, this Hunger Games champ is no stranger to pressure, taunts from overly huge and confident foes, and hitting targets with ease. She’s stealthy, focused, and a total BAMF, who’s smart enough to avoid near career-ending distractions — like Jessica Simpson.
Wide Receiver — Kara “Starbuck” Thrace
Like Everdeen, Starbuck isn’t one to crack under pressure. She’s also got a need for speed like no other, and the pilot-savvy to weave in and out of obstacles in perfect flight patterns — er, routes — straight into the endzone. And she could probably take a mofo out, need-be. Them arms. Clothesline, anyone?
Fullback — Gimli, Son of Glóin
Now, fullbacks tend to be big guys, however, what the dwarf lacks in size, he makes up for in zeal. Ain’t nobody got as much zest for all-out brawling like Gimli, and you can bet this buff little dude’s built for kicking the crap out of unsuspecting defensive linemen. He’d be like Rudy, except mean and probably not as focused on academics. And Everdeen has his axe!
Kicker — Neville Longbottom
Good in a clutch, Longbottom would be the go-to guy when down by 2 at the bottom of the 4th quarter. Kickers have the pleasure and curse of being the final answer in too-close match-ups, and are often responsible for putting their team in good field position. Hello? Decapitation of last horcrux at just the right moment, anyone? Tear-jerking speech that gets everyone going again? Undeniable BAMFness? Neville kicks. Ass.
Tight Ends — Princess Leia and Han Solo
Tight ends catch, block, and, ultimately confuse the opposition. Who better than swift-moving, smooth-talking, no-lose-attitude Han Solo and his No BS Special Lady Friend? We know each of them has enough anger to fuel the Millenium Falcon (in record parsecs), which will also undoubtedly contribute to their effectiveness on the field. Moreover, they’re both pretty versatile: able to turn on the charm when need be, and wield a gun, otherwise.
Head Coach — Tyrion Lannister
He’s clever, blunt, and constantly underestimated: all of which play to his advantage. What’s his next play? Hard to tell — but one thing’s for certain, in the end, after all the scheming and illegal practice-taping and unsportsmanlike taunting, he’ll come back swinging and probably take charge of the entire country. Er. Field. What’s more, he has a knack for giving people exactly what they need: an inspirational speech or a fire placed ever-so-necessarily under one’s ass.