Trolling Can Help You ‘Have it All’: An inflammatory guide for the fairer sex
Perhaps, many of you don’t know what I’m talking about. You think trolling has something to do with Teletubby precursors with spiky hair? Well, you’re wrong. “Trolling” implies the sick pleasure of screwing with people over the internet and infuriating them.
I’m here to share some ways to make trolling go “viral” in your day-to-day life. No longer do you need to post pretend obituaries on message boards in order to f*ck with people’s heads — you can do it without even pressing the “on” button on your computer!
The following are ladylike ways to troll in your everyday life.
Level 1: The Beginner Troll
In the most basic type of trolling, pretend to be dumb. Sounds like a first date, right? Well, if you are trolling, this quick guide teaches you how to make that date as unpleasant for your partner as possible — while giving you a severe case of the giggles!
| The Situation | The Troll |
| A Radiohead song comes on the stereo. | You say, “Oh wow, is this the new Coldplay jam?” |
| You know your date’s name. | But never say it during the entire date, appearing as if you forgot it. Or pronounce the name slightly off. For instance, “Steve” becomes “Stave,” and “Antoine” becomes “Intoine” |
| You go to see a critically acclaimed film, like “Heartbeats.” | Mistake it for a much less critically acclaimed film with a similar title. “Heartbeats? I love Jennifer Love Hewitt!” |
Remember: A good trolling always leaves you in control. The other person should walk away with their anger level much higher than their gee-aren’t-I-smart level. Last tip: Don’t fuck with the waiter and/or waitress. That’s just mean.
Level 2: Introllmediate
In the second level of trolling, play devil’s advocate; pretend you hold values or ideas that the people around you despise. This is “intermediate” level trolling, because it takes a little knowledge of the person you’re trying to fuck with to perform.
For instance, you’re getting a ride home – from a coworker, friend of a friend, or John. The car they drive can give you a host of clues to drive them mad.
| What Car They Drive | The Troll |
| Prius | Say, “I love Sarah Palin, I just wish she’d change her hairstyle, right?” |
| Late 80s biodiesel-converted Volvo | Say something nice about a Prius. |
| Old beater Camry | Pretend you hear a weird noise, but only once in a while. Your description should be intentionally confusing: “It was like a high-pitched screaming, but there may have been kind of a tap-tap-TAP, then a low squeal.” |
| Convertible or Jeep with Removable Top | Because of the temperature, ask that the top be down, and vice versa. Every 15 minutes, change your mind. |
| Expensive sports car with an automatic transmission | There is no need to troll this person, their life is pathetic enough. |
Level 3: Expertrolling
So you’ve mastered the art of angering your friends and lovers. Are you ready to take this to the next level? Here’s a fun cocktail party trick. You can do this with your book club or a group of friends you party with regularly.
First, plant information in a group of friends’ heads subtly over time. Over a series of gatherings, have an individualized conversation with each friend. Find a convenient way to bring up birthdays, perhaps a discussion of astrological signs or crow’s feet. When it comes up, and the person with whom you are speaking reveals their birthday, act surprised and say, “That’s Hitler’s birthday!” You can use any historical figure or celebrity, just make sure it is someone that the other person won’t get too excited about. Go to another friend and repeat.
The second step must be performed months later, after each of your friends has, on separate occasions, had the seed planted that they share a birthday with Hitler. Find an event where everyone is together, hopefully locked in a big, group conversation. Striking the match by steering the conversation toward Hitler and watch the inferno of arguing unfold.
Submit your own trolling ideas and inspirational stories in the comments box below! The best comments will be included in my upcoming book, Chicken Soup for the (ass)Soul.
Also a note: Read back over this article and you just might find a secret message hidden in the first letters of each sentence! Make sure to unscramble them.
Ya know, you can have a lot of fun wearing khakis and a red top in a Target…your “victims” will literally be asking for you to fuck up their shopping trip.