Of all the monsters in cinema, which are the most bang-able? Sure, there’s an element of danger to coitus with a demon, or consorting with an anatomically-inappropriate 25-foot tall lover, but, hey, couldn’t you say that all casual sex is like playing Russian Roulette? Why should these folks be left out just because they may want some of your virgin blood?!
Let’s take a look at seven monsters whose bedroom possibilities outweigh fears of being some horrible thing’s dinner:
7) The Succubus – Megan Fox in Jennifer’s Body
It’s Megan Fox. And, she’s a succubus, a sex monster. A SEX MONSTER. Megan Fox is a sex monster. What more do you want?
6) King Kong
While intercourse with an enormous, furry ape penis may be an unattainable goal, our main man Kong has shown himself to be an intense cuddler.
5) The Virgin Sucking Energy Vampire Were-Cat from Stephen King’s Sleepwalkers
While the cat-faces may not be the biggest panty-dropper, this family duo of Were-Cat things were plenty hot in their human disguises. Hot enough to lure in tons of nubile young high school girls to make out with. Hopefully, they got in enough dry-humping to make it worth the were-cat sucking out all your virgin life-energy, and then giving it to his waaay inappropriately attached momma-cat.
Oh, Pumpy! That slimy face! That sloping forehead! The chunks of rotting flesh between your tartar-caked fangs! Many have felt your long, thick talons raking through their bodies, but I know you can also have a gentle touch– Just kidding!
The Real 4) Frankenstein’s Monster
He’s like an anthropomorphized vibrator with daddy issues. He can keep going all night long if you sweet talk him right. He can get cranky sometimes, and he gets easily freaked out by open flames, so caveat emptor. Note: It’s recommended that you have needle and thread handy, some parts may need repair/reattachment after repeated use.
3) Helena Bonham Carter
Yes, she’s human. I’m including her anyway, because: i. she tends to portray monsters on film; ii. she’s a monstrously talented actress; and, iii. she’s extremely hot on a dark, dark level.
Her roles as Bellatrix LeStrange, Ari the sexy Chimp and the voice of the titular Bride in Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes and The Corpse Bride, the hotly evil Morgan Le Fay in the Merlin mini-series, and the dark and twisty sex addict Marla Singer in Fight Club make her a Hall of Fame worthy MILF.
It’s important to differentiate between the stereotypical “Dracula:”
This Dracula is aristocratic and has a hypnotic sexual power that draws in both Mina Harker and bug-eating Renfield. But he’s not setting any viewer’s nether-regions aflame! Way too much product, dude! And, maybe lay off the intense gaze a tad. Less is more.
And the Coppalized Dracula:
Ah, my Carpathian prince! That manly-yet-sensitive moustache! Those daring fashions! The immortal love that consumed him! This exotic blood-sucking lothario broke hearts and drained veins all over London.
If he can make this look hot, he takes the cake over the Count. Sorry, Bela!
Not that Bella! Lugosi, not Swan. You have to wait for ZILFs (Zombies I’d Like to F**k) for her.
1) And da winner is… Julie Delpy as The Werewolf in An American Werewolf in Paris
Who wouldn’t willingly get mauled by Julie Delpy? She always looks like she’s not wearing underwear. So, she’s overcome with uncontrollable hormonal changes once a month, gets super aggro and has a beastly demeanor? Sounds about right!