With the holiday season upon us, what better creature to ponder having sex with than the elf? Those tapered ears! Those pointy shoes! So f**king hot! They’re incredibly hard-working (stamina, baby!), and incredibly gifted at crafting things (toys, bows and arrows, vibrators). There’s also a wide range of elf-types, from North Pole denizens to warriors of Middle-Earth to magical butlers. The potential sexual scenarios are staggering!
But, enough delay, let’s get to the good stuff. Sexy elves … get ready to get your dungeon sieged!
Legolas Greenleaf from Lord of the Rings
Long, flowing, golden locks, a mischievous grin, and he really knows how to handle a shaft. The master bowman of the Fellowship of the Ring is high on the fantasy rolodex of all Earthers (not just Middle). Legolas is also the son of King Thranduil of Mirkwood: Prince-sex! And not the inbred Buckingham Palace-type. After seeing him rapid-fire arrow after arrow throughout the trilogy, how can you not covet his arrow shooting into your orc?!
Leetah from ElfQuest
When Cutter and his Wolfriders arrived in Sun Village, Leetah was a massive bitch to the “savage and barbarian” warrior-elf. Unfortunately for her, they experienced “Recognition,” a powerful involuntary compulsion to mate with another elf (poorly ripped off by Stephanie Meyer in Twilight to explain Jacob lusting after a newborn baby), and they got to boning. The tanned and busty Leetah is saucy and passionate, ergo: hot, ear-biting sex. Plus, in addition to “lifemates,” ElfQuest elves enjoy them some “lovemates,” too. Score! And if the schtupping gets too hazardous, she’s a powerful healer, to boot. What a babe…
Buddy the Elf from Elf
Jolly, considerate, nurturing and innocent … wouldn’t you love to totally corrupt Buddy the Elf? Perhaps a sex dungeon? Plus, you know the dude would be into epic cuddle-sessions with ample spooning for those cold, North Pole nights. Regardless, after the “All-Inclusive” sex-trip to the Dominican Republic, Buddy will be a whole new elf. Let the debauchery begin!
Snap, Crackle & Pop from Kellogg’s Rice Krispies
Let’s be honest. Colorful scarves? Coordinated outfits? One of them in a MJ-type military jacket? Kellogg’s spokes-elves are obviously homosexual. AWESOME! Imagine all the 4-way possibilities…
Meggan from Marvel Comics’ Excalibur
Ahh, Meggan… Though her elven origin is not entirely set in stone (mutant? elf? extra-dimensional sex kitten?), she’s got pointy ears. ‘Nuff said. And she’s a shapeshifter! While her usual appearance as a curvaceous blond is A-Okay, natch, if you’re in the mood for something a little different, she could always become a rhino. True horniness, indeed.
Dobby the House-Elf from the Harry Potter series
A house-elf is a magical creature which is devoted and loyal to the one designated as their master. First things first, no slavery here! Let’s give that elf some clothes, namely, a leather thong. Newly-liberated and looking for action, you just got yourself the perfect clubbing partner. Having only known the life of a servant, it’ll be up to you to help guide him into the confusing world of dating! Plus, he loves to clean, and has a slightly less grating voice than that other house-elf, so dirty talk won’t be as jarring.
Arwen Undómiel from Lord of the Rings
Tolkien sure knew his hot elves! When Aragorn first met the nearly 3,000-year-old mega-cougar in Rivendell, he had to tap that! And who can blame him? She’s super-sexy, can perform incantations and wields a mean sword! And even though she’s a more mature woman, she’s not all bitter and jaded. Her love for Aragorn is so great that she gives up her immortality to be with him. True love, the ultimate turn-on!