The only reason other peoples’ kids are cute is because they’re not yours. And while infancy, arguably the most challenging years of childrearing, is but a microcosm in the spectrum of life, when you’re in need of a vacay from your mini-me, you’re shit out of luck. Kids stay on you like peanut butter on jelly. They’re kind of yours forever. So, whoever said that having a child changes your life was clearly putting it mildly.
2. Cuteness Has an Expiration Date
The more they grow, the less cute kids become — especially when they learn how to speak, because that means they know how to talk back. If Bill Cosby taught us anything, it was that kids say the darndest and most honest things. Apparently, filters don’t come in kid sizes. They’re like Gizmos, don’t even think about soaking them.
3. Feigning Excitement
A lot of things that kids are interested in, you only pretend to be interested in because it makes them happy. But if you hear that “Thomas the Tank Engine” theme song one more time, you just might go crazy. A kid, however, lives for repetition. They will never tire of their favorite things. Ever.
4. Negotiating 101
Sometimes, in order to get a kid to simply listen to you, you have to bribe them — with a toy, a visit to Chuck E. Cheese, or a movie. The list goes on and on. This is not only annoying, it’s expensive and it leads to spoiling, which will eventually lead to them starring in a reality show about spoiled brats gone wild. Do you really want to contribute to reality TV?
5. You Don’t Want to Screw it Up
Being a parent doesn’t exactly come with dental. Or a rulebook, for that matter. It’s the most difficult and arguably most important job you’ll ever have and it’s your responsibility not to eff it up. No pressure. Just realize that should things tumble down that path, you’ll be wishing you read this list.