Top 3 Secret Behaviors I Try to Hide From My Boyfriend

“Love one another but make not a bond of love. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”

― Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

I think we all know what Mr. Gibran was really trying to say here: we all need a little private time so we can tweeze our boob hair without our boyfriend catching us. It’s not that I don’t want my man around all the time, I just worry if he actually caught me in the act of tweezing my one errant boob hair – he may be slightly put off.

So, boyfriend, while I will never actually allow you to witness the following – I will let in on some of my top-secret shameful activities. Maybe it will disgust you. Maybe it will turn you on. Let’s find out!

1.  When I’m in the bathroom, I’m mostly on the toilet, just checking my phone.

Look, it could be awhile. Or maybe it’ll be a few seconds. I’m not a poop scientist! Point is, since I’m physically addicted to my dumb phone, I need it with me at all times or else I start getting the twitches. And that includes the bathroom. Unfortunately, opening an email often leads to watching a full 20-minute video montage of dogs in pajamas. I don’t know how it happens, it just DOES. Anyways, that’s why I’ve been gone for so long. I’m sorry, baby.

PS. I have a sneaking suspicion you may be hiding the same thing from me. But its cool, we don’t hafta talk about it.

2. I’m crying, all the time.

I cry. A lot. Like so much that’s it’s best you don’t how much I cry, if only to maintain your sense of me being a well-adjusted human-person. I think a lady scientist might say it’s just the way women process a lot of other, more complicated emotions that we’ve been socialized to not engage in (like anger, ect). But I say, it really ain’t no thang. Crying’s kinda like taking a good pee – a nice little release – but from my eyes. Okay, bad metaphor. It’s like when a cat vomits – it doesn’t have to MEAN anything – it just has some fur in its stomach that it can’t process. What I’m saying is, the crying has to come out and there’s really nothing I can do about it – other than hide it from you.

3. I’m night-snacking, all the time.

I literally don’t know how you manage to eat 3 meals a day. That’s incredible and kudos to you. But I cannot figure it out. For breakfast, there’s always coffee. And then there’s some sort of leftover, crusty, whatever’s-in-my-house situation for lunch. And after that, there is INFINITE NIGHT SNACKING. This happens after you’ve gone to sleep. I slink out of bed, quietly muttering something about “just getting a glass of water.” What I’m really doing is opening up, what can only be described as, ‘The Pandora’s Box of Nom-ing.’ When I have satisfied the beast (usually a ½ lb of gouda, a cup of oatmeal and some gummy worms later) I will gently close the wretched box, pour myself a glass of water, and bring it back to bed.

Well, now you know. Feel free to share all your secret gross behaviors with me too. Just don’t let me catch you – ‘cuz that’s inappropriate.

XOXO,

Ari

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Ari’s BFF Emma reveals a secret behavior of her own in this episode of Ari and Emma!

 


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About the author

Ariana Seigel is a NY-based performer and comedy writer.  She's one half of the hilarious duo ariANDemma, a co-founder of sketch group People's Sketch Association and a musical improviser.


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