From Daisy’s dalliances to Thomas’ tittilating trysts to Bates’ beeyotch of a wife (not Anna, of course), Downton Abbey has made us thirst for more sordid details of the secret lives of domestics. Get ready for more intrigue, flirting, and sage advice! Behold this breakdown of the top 10 TV Maids and Butlers, judged on a 5-point scale by their level of service, ability to deliver sassy one-liners, and overall sexiness!
10. Sarah O’Brien (Downton Abbey)
Service: 1 – While she is undoubtedly excellent at keeping Lady Cora from having to pick out her own clothes, she did kill Lord Grantham’s unborn heir. So that dragged her score down a tad.
Sass: 5 – Sass is certainly this Lady’s Maid’s specialty, and she has poisoned barbs to hurl at any who would dare interfere in her myriad schemes.
Sex: 3 – She may dress like a spinster, but a passionate heart clearly burns beneath that bodice! When she stops sublimating her sexual desires into plots and schemes, no one in Grantham will be safe from her raging libido!
9. Florence Johnston (The Jeffersons)
Service: 2 – Let’s be honest, Florence wasn’t very good at her job. Most of the time, she flat-out refused to bring poor Mr. J his coffee, or answer the phone. Though she did once help him outwit some con-men, so she does deserve some props!
Sass: 5 – Florence could deflate the mightiest ego, and what she lacked as a maid, she more than made up for with zingers! See this exchange with George:
Sex: 4 – Florence is a good Christian woman, though she admits to often being on the search for a good man and a stiff drink!
8. Rosie the Robot (The Jetsons)
Service: 4 – While she did an admirable job keeping the Jetson’s Skypad Apartment clean, Rosie (aka Model XB-500) was hampered (lol, get it?!) by being a demonstration model hired from U-Rent a Maid.
Sass: 3 – Though she was a sweet, caring robot most of the time, Rosie could throw some shade when necessary!
Sex: 3 – This B.O.G. (battery operated girlfriend) is one sweeeet machine! She even had a robot boyfriend, so you know she’s down!
7. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere (Mr. Belvedere)
Service: 5 – Bringing all the decorum of the old world to Pittsburgh, Mr. Belvedere does his best to inject his American masters with a little class, and they try to pry Big Ben out of his backside!
Sass: 3 – With a dry, British wit sharp enough to slice through the Liberty Bell, Mr. Belvedere was hindered by his inherent genteelness. Though I’m sure that little bastard Wesley tested his last nerve. Especially when he reported him to Immigration as an illegal alien.
Sex: 2 – He does have a full, thick mustache … but I’m just not feeling it.
6. Benson DuBois (Soap/Benson)
Service: 2 – Benson was an awful butler. He was rude, short-tempered, and didn’t even pretend to get along with Chester (though he was a scumbag, so we’ll give him that one.)
Sass: 5 – Benson was a master of sass. His contempt and amusement for the foibles of the Tates and the Campbells spun him off into seven season of his own self-titled show. Here are some glorious examples of his awesome verbal acuity:
Sex: 4 – Robert Guillaume is one sexy bastard. Plus, he was the voice of Rafiki! How hot is that?!
5. Dorota Kishlovsky (Gossip Girl)
Service: 5 – If Blair said to jump, she’d ask how many bodies she had to bury. This woman loves serving so much, that she abandoned her life as a countess to pick up after Blair Waldorf’s messes. No scheme was too crazy, and no hurdle too high for Dorota to please her beloved Blair!
Sass: 2 – While her introverted and dutiful nature cut into her sass score, Dorota regularly defied Blair’s orders (though only for the greater good!)
Sex: 4 – The secret countess had two men fighting for her: her first husband, who she left for a life in America, and the Russian doorman of the Waldorf’s building, Vanya. Of course, she chooses the doorman. Power to the proletariat!
4. Tony Micelli (Who’s the Boss?)
Service: 3 – The guy was a former professional baseball player, how good a housekeeper could he be?
Sass: 5 – Moving from his Italian-American roots in Brooklyn to stately Fairfield, Connecticut, Tony enjoys tormenting Angela Bower and her family with his all-powerful Brooklyn accent, which allows him to win all arguments and town crier competitions in which he wishes to participate.
Sex: 5 – Tony is one sexy bastard.
3. Alice Nelson (The Brady Bunch)
Service: 5 – Cheerful, devoted, and hard-working … and insane. That’s the only way she could have managed dealing with those six annoying brats and retro-Real Housewife Carol!
Sass: 3 – Alice was never at a loss for words, but her sass was more in homespun wisdom, rather than an acid tongue.
Sex: 5 – SEXUAL DYNAMO! After being surrounded by kids all day, who knows what kinds of freaky stuffy Alice got down to with her long-time lover, Sam?! Cue the Beastie Boys’ Rump Shaker, “Like Sam the butcher bringing Alice the meat!”
TIED 1. Alfred Pennyworth (Batman)
Service: 10 – While others on the list are exceptional servants to rich folks of all sorts, only one man is the butler to a super-hero! Not only does a typical night find him dealing with linens, and making sure the pantries* are stocked, but he also might have to perform emergency surgery, rotate the tires on the Batmobile, or impersonate a mob boss to snare a heinous villain! No regular Butler School can prepare you for this!
* (I’m sure Wayne Manor has TONS of pantries!)
Sass: 3 – Alfred knew when to stow his comedy routines (he was an actor, you know!), and help with the crime-fighting. But he also loved using his dry wit to razz Master Bruce’s friends:
Sex: 1 – I’m avoiding the line for that mustache ride!
TIED 1. Charles Carson (Downton Abbey)
Service: 10 – Like Alfred, Carson goes above and beyond as the butler of Downton Abbey. A tarnish on the silver is a tarnish on his soul! The pride he takes with every aspect of his work is a shining beacon to all domestic engineers! If there were awards, they should be called the Carsons. Huzzah, Carson!
Sass: 3 – Carson’s dry wit can always be counted on for a good quip, but his utter devotion to tact and decorum prevent him from taking top marks in this category.
Sex: 1 – It would be like f**king Santa Claus.