Top 10 Animals to Reincarnate As

Blue Monarch Butterfly

Butterflies are always pretty.  Always.  A blue monarch butterfly could go on a three-week nothing-but-gelato-and-absinthe-binge and still wake up looking fresh as a purdy blue lily. stonedkoalaA stoned koala.

8. Koala
Adorable?  Check.  Cool habitat?  Check.  Access to mind-altering, druggy, eucalyptus-y goodness?  Check, check.  Koalas are stoned out of their furry gourds all the time and if they get bored with that, they can just grab a Foster’s with Crocodile Dundee and Nicole Kidman.  Mel Gibson and that one infanticidal dingo are not invited.

7. Three-Toed Tree Sloth
Cheaper pedicures.

6. Seahorse
No more birth control.  Female seahorses can have all the wild, crazy, uninhibited sex they want without having to worry about getting knocked up.  That’s the dude seahorse’s problem, yo.  Hey, no one’s ever complained about a deadbeat Hippocampus.

5. A Kid’s Pet Iguana
Iguanas spend all day lounging on hot rocks or soaking in tiny tailor-made water pools.  Life’s one continuous spa day for these lucky squamates.  Added advantage: You don’t ever have to run around in a silly hamster wheel like an alfalfa-munching asshat.

4. Elephant
Those pachyderm biatches are chubby as heck and they totally own it.  They are the ultimate plus-sized divas.  Note: Bonus points if you’re a fan of peanuts or the trappings of circus life.

baldeagle3. A Bald F*cking Eagle
Talk about badass.  Bald Eagles are the feathered rock stars of the skies.

2. Octopus
Ever wanted more than just two hands?  Imagine the possibilities with four sets of arms!  Braid your BFF’s hair while drinking a slushie… while changing the TV channel… while solving a Rubik’s cube… while checking your email… while baking some muffins for that sexy squid you met… while doing 2-for-1 Redheaded Merslut shots at the oyster bar last night.

1. Unicorn



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About the author

Kristen Bobst is a grade-A comedy writer, an unstoppable sock puppeteer, and the world's foremost whimsy aficionado. She certainly believes the meaning of life really is 42; and right now Kristen is really into The Carrie Diaries. Comediva. Where the funny girls are.

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