9. Blue Monarch Butterfly
Butterflies are always pretty. Always. A blue monarch butterfly could go on a three-week nothing-but-gelato-and-absinthe-binge and still wake up looking fresh as a purdy blue lily.
Adorable? Check. Cool habitat? Check. Access to mind-altering, druggy, eucalyptus-y goodness? Check, check. Koalas are stoned out of their furry gourds all the time and if they get bored with that, they can just grab a Foster’s with Crocodile Dundee and Nicole Kidman. Mel Gibson and that one infanticidal dingo are not invited.
7. Three-Toed Tree Sloth
No more birth control. Female seahorses can have all the wild, crazy, uninhibited sex they want without having to worry about getting knocked up. That’s the dude seahorse’s problem, yo. Hey, no one’s ever complained about a deadbeat Hippocampus.
5. A Kid’s Pet Iguana
Iguanas spend all day lounging on hot rocks or soaking in tiny tailor-made water pools. Life’s one continuous spa day for these lucky squamates. Added advantage: You don’t ever have to run around in a silly hamster wheel like an alfalfa-munching asshat.
Those pachyderm biatches are chubby as heck and they totally own it. They are the ultimate plus-sized divas. Note: Bonus points if you’re a fan of peanuts or the trappings of circus life.
3. A Bald F*cking Eagle
Talk about badass. Bald Eagles are the feathered rock stars of the skies.
Ever wanted more than just two hands? Imagine the possibilities with four sets of arms! Braid your BFF’s hair while drinking a slushie… while changing the TV channel… while solving a Rubik’s cube… while checking your email… while baking some muffins for that sexy squid you met… while doing 2-for-1 Redheaded Merslut shots at the oyster bar last night.