My friend, Gabi, has recently gotten me obsessed with the dating app, Tinder. The way it works is you sign in with Facebook, it shows a couple of your profile pics, and people can either “nope” you or “like” you. If you’re noped, it goes to the next person. If you’re liked and you like them back, it’s a match and you can chat. Basically, you just judge people on whether you think they’re hot enough to potentially date. There’s also the option to see if you have mutual friends or Facebook interests and to write a small profile, but really it’s just about looks because the novelty of us both liking Happy Endings wears off pretty fast.
I don’t plan on messaging or meeting anyone because, as it is, I think Match.com is a death trap. A free app where you don’t even post your full name and people only pick you based on your looks just sounds like a place where really kinky serial killers go to find red heads with blue eyes so they can torture them (me) for a week, then put their (my) severed fingers in a deep fryer. Regardless, nexting people turns out to be a strangely therapeutic way to pass the time.
I’ve already developed a quick system on how I nope people:
We’ll start off really easy/sane with age: 23 and below get an automatic NOPE.
Guys wearing fedoras. I like to keep to that standard both online and in life.
Guys in front of a step-and-repeat (I’m only being shown LA guys).
Professional headshots (I’m only being shown LA guys).
Guys in tank tops.
Guys wearing tank tops in their professional headshots.
Anything featuring an instrument.
This guy just looks like a handful.
Guys taking their own picture in the mirror.
Pictures with kids in them (are they yours?!).
Except this guy. They look so adorable, and she’s probably his niece.
Nope, definitely this guy. He’s a monster, and that little girl is a decoy.
And whatever is happening in this picture.