My Tinder Criteria

My friend, Gabi, has recently gotten me obsessed with the dating app, Tinder. The way it works is you sign in with Facebook, it shows a couple of your profile pics, and people can either “nope” you or “like” you. If you’re noped, it goes to the next person. If you’re liked and you like them back, it’s a match and you can chat. Basically, you just judge people on whether you think they’re hot enough to potentially date. There’s also the option to see if you have mutual friends or Facebook interests and to write a small profile, but really it’s just about looks because the novelty of us both liking Happy Endings wears off pretty fast.

Dara Tinder profile

I don’t plan on messaging or meeting anyone because, as it is, I think Match.com is a death trap. A free app where you don’t even post your full name and people only pick you based on your looks just sounds like a place where really kinky serial killers go to find red heads with blue eyes so they can torture them (me) for a week, then put their (my) severed fingers in a deep fryer. Regardless, nexting people turns out to be a strangely therapeutic way to pass the time.

I’ve already developed a quick system on how I nope people:

We’ll start off really easy/sane with age: 23 and below get an automatic NOPE.

Guys wearing fedoras. I like to keep to that standard both online and in life.
Fedora Tinder

Guys in front of a step-and-repeat (I’m only being shown LA guys).

Step and Repeat Tinder

Professional headshots (I’m only being shown LA guys).
Headshot Tinder

Guys in tank tops.

Tanktop Tinder

Guys wearing tank tops in their professional headshots.
Tanktop Headshot Tinder

Anything featuring an instrument.

Guitar Tinder

This guy just looks like a handful.

Guys taking their own picture in the mirror.

Selfie Tinder

Pictures with kids in them (are they yours?!).

Except this guy. They look so adorable, and she’s probably his niece.

Kid Tinder

Nope, definitely this guy. He’s a monster, and that little girl is a decoy.

Kid Tinder 2

And whatever is happening in this picture.

Predator Tinder

Predator!!! Predator!!!

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Loving this Tinder Criteria? Check out more from Dara over at Brunch for Every Meal!


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About the author

My name’s Dara, and I’m a comedic actor and writer. I write about everything (dating, things I find annoying [which is a lot of things], food, reality Housewives from all walks of life), and I can tell you that if you really like brunch, you will probably enjoy half-reading my blog while you watch Ice Loves Coco (btw, that’s another thing I write about a lot). I know this because if you appreciate brunch and believe in its ideals of unapologetic fancy-shmancy-ness, the right to order pancakes even if you don’t get out of bed til noon, and judgement-free drinking of champagne before 3pm… then you might like the blog written by someone who also believes in those things.

See Dara’s blog at: http://brunchforeverymeal.com

View all articles by Dara Laine

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