10 Things Less Cool Than a Taxidermy Squirrel

squirrel beer cozy

1. Fountains.

fountains

They only spit water and they were never alive. Boom, roasted.

2. Regular beer cozies.

beer cozies

They’re made of creepy, spongy material. No mystery in where the squirrel material came from.

3. Uncozied-beer.

beercans1210

It gets all warm from your hand and that’s gross. Keep that shit locked up cold and tight in a squirrel carcass.

4. Sobriety.

rob lowe parks and rec

Boo (unless it’s court ordered or you’re Rob Lowe. Then it’s probs for the best).

5. The term ‘beer cozies.’

squirrel thor

I hate it. Let’s change it to “Kick-Ass Squirrel Beer Holders”

6. Knock off Kick-Ass Squirrel Beer Holders.

squirrel toy

That was never a real squirrel, you’re not fooling anyone.

7. Beer in a glass.

beerglass1210

Who do you think you are, the Queen of England?! In a bottle is fine, grow up.

8. PETA.

peta

Just kidding! Please don’t protest.

9. Live Squirrels.

baby squirrel

What have they ever done for your beer?

10. Batman Costumes.

batman ben wyatt parks and rec

Ok, never mind. That’s just as cool.

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About the author

Valerie is Comediva's current intern extraordinaire where she researches things and sits at the front desk like a boss. A semi-young East Coast transplant, she moved to LA eighteen months ago with a car that saw the millennium, a couch to stay on for a week and two friends in the city. She now boasts the same car, a month-to-month lease, and a whopping five friends in the city. She has a thing for pasty, red-headed boys (lookin' at you Louis C.K.), television, and canned frosting--of which, only one can be considered acceptable in Los Angeles.

Back East, she has an over-achieving yet horribly-lovable big brother at Yale, and the sweetest parents imaginable, as they never complain that she's not at Yale. As a writer, she dreams of the day she sells something and tells her brother to suck it (and then with great apology, takes it back immediately).

View all articles by Valerie Armstrong

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