The Upside of Being Undead

Everyone’s afraid of getting turned into a zombie, but is there really that much to fear?  Maybe it’s just that you’re afraid of what you don’t know.  Here are a few of the often-overlooked benefits of zombie conversion:

Ignorance is Bliss
So what if you’re lurching around like an old-fashioned movie mummy?  Once you’re a zombie, you’ll have no memory of your human life, and with it will go all those hang-ups and anxieties.  No more waking up early to flat iron your hair, no more trying to figure out what to wear, no more stressing over what your boss is going to think of your presentation or worrying if you gained weight over Thanksgiving.  All you’ll be thinking is, “Where the brains at?!”  It’s like being reborn!  Or like being lobotomized!  Either way, you will never think about paying your cable bill again.

Tired of counting calories or avoiding carbs?  Well, once you’re a zombie, that’s completely out of the picture!  You won’t give those tempting brownies a second glance once you’ve converted to the simple-to-follow zombie diet.  Human flesh is high in protein, and as you’ll be eating it fresh, it’ll be nutrient-rich and preservative-free!  It’s pretty much like being macrobiotic.  Pretty much.


Dude, I’m Zombie Seth Green, and now, I can eat ANYTHING! Chips, cake, burritos, braaaaaiiiinnnnsss! …And not put on a single pound!

Hauling your tired ass out of bed before work to stumble along a treadmill is hardly appealing.  But once you’re undead, you’ll never have to go to the gym again!  Most of us have sedentary lifestyles, sitting in front of a computer all day.  As a zombie, you will be more active than ever, wandering aimlessly around town with your other zombie cohorts.  Have you ever seen a zombie sitting?  I think not.  Additionally, this kind of extended exercise at a lower heart rate keeps you in the fat burn zone.  You’ll be in the best shape of your unlife!

“But what about my weight training?” you might be asking.  Yes, cardio is all well and good, but let’s not forget our muscles.  As a zombie, you will have incredible strength without a single bench press.  This also applies to your jaw, as you will be able to bite through flesh and bone.  You’ll never need dental work again!


Hi, I’m Zombie Bill Murray! It’s true, your hair does keep growing after you die! If I’d only known…

Conflict Resolution
Having a hard time with your boyfriend?  Reliving the same petty arguments, over and over again?  Well then, it’s probably time for you to get undeaded.  Once you’re a zombie, you won’t have any more problems with your significant other … because you will have eaten him!  It will bring a whole new meaning to being close.

So, next time a crowd of groaning, crazed zombies is headed straight your way, lay aside the gun, and open up your arms for a group hug!  You’ll be embracing a whole new you!


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