The Ultimate Bridesmaids

Forget your obligatory list of boring co-workers, college friends you haven’t spoken to in 3 years and competitive siblings!  We’ve got a list of recommended bridesmaids guaranteed* to make your wedding memorable.

*not actually guaranteed, unless you know how to befriend fictional characters.  If so, we should talk.

First Up, your MAID OF HONOR.

This woman needs to be your ROCK.  Your MOH has to have excellent fashion sense to help avoid a disaster dress, a hilarious, but sincere tone for an epic toast, and most importantly, the ability to throw an UNFORGETTABLE bachelorette party that boarders on the edge of legality.

 DonnaMeagle parksandrec

Why not TREAT YO SELF to Donna Meagle from Parks and Rec?  You’ll be ensured a pampering day of pre-wedding spa treatments, leather, a good hookup at the Snakehole Lounge, and if your sister or any other wannabe diva gets catty during their toast, Donna will SHUT THAT ISH DOWN.

Next we have, The One You Will Set Up With Your Groom’s (or Bride’s) Brother.

You know, that sweet, good-girl, friend of yours who is the settling down type.  Seat her next to your new bro-in-law, aim that bouquet at her eager little face and BAM!  Welcome her into the family.

 camtucker modernfamily

Cameron Tucker from Modern Family.  An unconventional choice, sure, especially since he’s already in a relationship, but hear me out.  He is sweet, sensitive, great with kids and will give your special day so much attention that you’ll have to beg him to stop.  Plus, his farm hand experience will make him great at wrangling your new in-laws.

The One You Use For Vicarious Single Sex Stories.

You may have found your one and only, but that doesn’t mean you don’t want the dirt on who hooked up with whom at your wedding.  You get all the excitement of the thrill of the chase, without having to deal with the inevitable walk of shame, which lucky YOU won’t ever have to deal with again.

 hannahhorvath girls

For this, Hannah Horvath from Girls.  She’s not afraid to get down and dirty with the groomsmen, or to give you ALL the details.  Even the ones you don’t really want, like when he pees on her in the shower.  Gross.  Thank goodness you’re no longer single, amiright?

And finally, The One Who Makes You Look Better By Comparison.

Usually, a slot reserved for your sister, or cousin (you know which one), this bridesmaid is a perpetual hot mess and great for deflecting parental criticism.  She is together enough to actually arrive, but you can count on her to be late and/or drunk and/or give an awkward toast and/or make you cry while wondering why you asked her to your wedding in the first place.

 the-bachelor-cast

For this, use Any Contestant on The Bachelor.  Just be aware, they will attempt to steal your veil, and will find a hot tub to get undressed in, even if you’re in a church.  And yes, they count as fictional characters.  Those girls are NOT human.


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About the author

Amanda Deibert is a writer and actress/filmmaker type in LA.  She currently works for HULU’s morning pop culture show, The Morning After, which you can giggle at on hulu.com.  You can check out the rest of her hijinks in writing and filmmaking at www.amandadeibert.com.  She lives with her beautiful girlfriend and 100,000 cats.

View all articles by Amanda Deibert

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