The Many Uses for Tribbles

In the original series of Star Trek (as in, the only one that really matters), the crew of the enterprise encounters small, furry, constantly reproducing animals called tribbles. They prove to be kind of a nuisance, since all they do is eat everything and pop out new ones, though ultimately they’re redeemed when most of them die, indicating that all the grain they consumed was poisoned. So in the Star Trek universe, tribbles do not lead a glorified life, and when they end up being helpful, it’s only through their pretty lame death. But in our world, we could find plenty of uses for these furry little balls of boring.

1. Hand towel!

Look. I’m not saying I’d wash my face with one of these, but as long as you keep it clean, the soft fur and the near-comatose nature indicates that a tribble could probably pretty effectively dry your hands (and it would be way cuter, more fun, and more eco-friendly to use than a boring paper towel).

2. Gift for a person you don’t like!

You know when you’re going to a function and you have to bring a gift, but you don’t know what to get for the person who stole your job and then married your girlfriend and then had a baby shower? Get them a tribble and watch the fun multiply.

3. Hacky sack!

Ultimately, these small bundles of fluff without faces or any other features could make a pretty interesting game of hacky sack. I wouldn’t ever intentionally hurt a living creature, but tribbles are kind of the mammalian equivalent of a jellyfish (except they purr…). They’d probably bounce better too!

4. Duster!

Those hard to reach places got you down because they’re so dusty? Though I personally have never dusted in my life, I assume other people do or dusters and Swiffers and things wouldn’t exist! Why spend money on a Swiffer, though, when your hand towel can double as a duster? Just use one of those extending claw things, grab your tribble, and dust the tops of fan blades. They’ve never been cleaner!

5. Stylish Hat!

Tribbles come in a wide variety of colors — from gray-ish to tan-ish to gray-ish tan-ish and every shade in between! People wear furs all the time; why not wear it when it’s sedentary but technically still alive? It’s really not that much weirder than some of the hats the nobility has been spotted in. And each time it reproduces, you get a new one. You’ll never be seen wearing yesterday’s fashions (literally).

6. Class pet!

Remember when your class had a turtle or a duckling or a hamster or something, and someone inevitably took it home and accidentally killed it? Tribbles are here to save the day. They’re fluffy and cute like bunnies, they’re as replaceable as fish or hamsters, and they’re as easy to take care of as pet rocks. Easiest class pet ever. 


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1 comment

  1. Don

    “as in, the only one that really matters”

    Wait, what? Are you serious? What about TNG?!

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