The Girl With the Mediocre Dragon Tattoo

With The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo‘s recent release, the questions “How many drafts of that tat did they go through before David Fincher was satisfied?” and, more importantly, “How did they decide which incarnation of The Dragon Tat was BAMF enough to be etched onto a crime-fighting genius?”

Surely, Sexiness and Badassness made up the criteria by which the final product was measured.

And to give you a better idea of those criteria, here are the Top 6 Dragons You Should Stay Sober Enough To Avoid Being Inked With:

6. Trogdor, Strong Bad Emails



True, The Burninator takes no prisoners when it comes to burninating the countryside, and burninating all the peasants; however, one thing this stick-figured, beefy-armed, majestic beast won’t be burninating is the action in your pants.  Get caught with this one and sexytime will bring about way more gigglesnorting.  Than usual.  Moreover, your arch-nemesis might assume that overly beefy arm’s compensating for something.

5. Albi the Racist Dragon, Flight of the Conchords

In the Marmalade Forest, between the make-believe trees, in a cottage cheese cottage, lives Albi the Racist Dragon!  And that’s where he belongs.  Were a criminal to catch a glimpse of Albi while getting their ass kicked by you, many questions would be raised.  The most likely of which being “What does this say about my ass-kicker?  Does she cry jelly bean tears and eat bubblegum pie?”  Nobody’s afraid of a jelly-bean-crying, bubblegum-pie-eating douche.  Your reputation would be shot and you’d be cast out from society, just like Albi.

4. Mushu, Mulan

This pint-sized smooth-talker with a chip on his shoulder may have been our favorite Disney chick’s coach and crutch, and, sure, we could talk all day about the importance of “inner-strength” and “character,” but doing so would just negate the sole purpose of having a dragon tat: intimidating and/or arousing whoever’s unlucky or lucky enough to come face to face with it, during a roundhouse kick or an impressive showing of contortion.

“Look!  It’s your ass-kicker!  And she’s uh-TOO happy to see you.”

3. Falkor, The Neverending Story

Seriously, though.  Is Falkor even a dragon?  He looks more like a ginormous puppy.  And unless your method of obliterating the enemy includes luring them in with snuggles and sweet kisses, you’d best steer clear of this too-furry, cuddle-buddy non-stop flight to The Friend Zone.

2. Donkey’s Donkey-Dragon Babies, Shrek 2

Don’t get me wrong: I’m all for interracial coupling, and I’ve got all sorts of mad Hapa pride, but as much as I love the waffle-eating sidekick, finding this one on a lady — on any part of any lady — would just about be the ultimate lady-boner kill.  Ladies.  It might say, “I appreciate creatures of all forms!  Yay, diversity!” but using social politics as a premise for dirty talk requires way too much brain-work.  Let’s keep the work downtown, shall we?

1.  Daenerys Targaryen, Game of Thrones

The Dragon Queen, herself!  Tats of faces are big no-nos, period, but this one in particular might say way too much about what you do during your off-time.  Too much TV?  Too much private-time “appreciation” of scantily clad, mildly nutso queens?  Leave the fantasy for the role-playing, and the regality for the epic beatdowns of villains everywhere.


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About the author

Vickie Toro

Hi, friend! I'm Vickie Toro. I'm the lesbian in Lesbros, the creator and one of the writers of BAMF Girls Club, and the Frumpy Girl who commiserates with your Style Ineptness. I'm a Potterhead, water-dancer, and overall TV junky. Also sports movies make me cry.

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