The Environmental Paranormal Agency and You!

Did you know that vampires, werewolves,  zombies, and most other ‘monsters’ are naturally eco-friendly? “But monsters eat people, haunt things, and generally wreak havoc,” you say. “How can that be beneficial for anything?” Well, havoc-wreaking comes in many forms.  Say what you will about munching on brains, at least seagulls don’t often choke on grey matter wrappers at the beach.


Need more evidence? You’ve heard of the EPA, right? Well, high-ranking officers including Dracula, Teen Wolf, and Frankenstein head up the leadership of the Environmental Paranormal Agency, a top-secret government branch sanctioned the United Nations, which works with military and PR support from Interpol and PETA. (Conspiracy Alert: The human EPA is merely a cover!) This secret cabal meets on every other full moon at midnight in a windmill-powered organic chocolate factory in Zurich, Switzerland to discuss policy pertaining to us planet-harming mortals.  The Loch Ness Monster serves as both mascot and treasurer of the organization. The Abominable Snow man is press secretary.  ‘Eco-vampire’ Ian Somerhalder works as the liason between the EPA and Hollywood. Together, these “monsters” are a force to be reckoned with. 


Don’t believe it? Consider these eleven key points:

1. Vampires drink blood and are anything but wasteful. Humans drink bottled water, often poured into Styrofoam cups.

2. Werewolves are the first species to hone lunar energy. How many solar panels are on your house?

3. Zombies live in groups, conserving electricity. Humans leave the lights on in their apartments and McMansions.

4. Werewolves only eat raw, unprocessed food. Humans invented McDonalds.

5. Vampires can fly, thus limiting their need for SUVs and LearJets. Humans value frequent flyer miles like gold.

6. Humans hunt elephants for ivory. Zombies waste no part of their meals.

7. Werewolves run in packs, the original “carpooling.” Humans invented the Prius, ultimately finding a way to make being green look really, really douchy.

8. Humans enjoy feasting on inhumanely farmed veal and foie gras.  Werewolves would just assume eat cage-free, free-range mutton. 

9. Humans are now engaging in highly-destructive hydraulic fracturing (“fracking”).  Brains, blood, and entrails are a much cleaner form of energy, the mining of which is making great strides in taking care of that pesky overpopulation problem. 

10. Nessie has created a hydropower initiative to solve Donald Trump’s anti-wind-farm plot.  Golf-loving tourists hate windmills unless they’re on a putt-putt course. 

11. The Abominable Snowman heads up a powerful lobby, which seeks to influence lawmakers into passing hundreds of  new anti-deforestation laws before the year 2015.  Humans still like to plunk their butts down on patio furniture made from Amazonian rainforest wood. 

So, while we humans spill oil left and right, pollute the oceans with islands of plastic, and buy pedigreed pooches from puppy mills, monsters work within the restrictions of nature to peacefully coexist with their delicate surroundings.   Yes, you’ll scarcely ever find a vampire, zombie, werewolf, or other monster building a polystyrene plant, starting up a mountain top removal coal mining operation, or riding around gas-guzzling jet skis . These “monsters” are the original ecologists and they’re pissed at humans for screwing with Earth, which might explain all the — err — rampant anti-human sentiment. Maybe these so-called beasts are just ticked off about people not taking global warming seriously enough?

There you have it. If vampires, zombies, and werewolves are more eco-friendly than humans…are we the real monsters?!


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