So, welcome to the first annual Channing Tatum Awards Ceremony™! An awards ceremony for Channing Tatum, about Channing Tatum and honoring — who else, but — Channing Tatum.
Best Portrayal of an Undercover Cop You Seriously Want to Screw: Channing Tatum in 21 Jump Street
The first award goes to Channing Tatum for his portrayal of an undercover cop in 21 Jump Street.
Variety said of Tatum’s performance:
“Not only is Channing Tatum good-looking, sexy, and funny, but now the talented bastard can act, too. So, in order to repress any latent homoerotic desires for Tatum, every straight man in America is conspiring to kill him and replace him with that ugly bald guy who acts opposite the Asian school teacher in every straight porn film you’ve ever seen.”
James Franco’s brother had this to say about Tatum:
“Channing does such an amazing job in the film that you completely overlook my sub-par performance as Tatum’s nemesis. Which is a relief because I learned all my acting skills from my brother, James Franco, and he promised to beat me up if I wasn’t as good as him. Ha-ha! Just kidding. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to apply for a PhD in English, turn in my final exam for my Masters in Physics, and then teach a class on neuro-science at UCLA. My brother says I have to keep busy or else I might be forced to realize that I’m slowly dying inside.”
Best Performance By Abs: Channing Tatum in Magic Mike
The second award goes to Channing Tatum for his banging body in Magic Mike.
Here’s what critics had to say about Tatum’s body in the film:
“At one point, my vagina literally barked at the screen — I kid you not.” – Lisa Schwartzman of Entertainment Weekly
“Channing’s brilliant performance as a young stripper comes to its most heart-palpitating climax when he dresses up like a sexy B-boy — an image that has made several female audience members experience spontaneous immaculate conceptions.” – Newsweek
Not everyone agreed about Tatum’s abs, however:
“I see nothing of value in Channing Tatum. Nothing I like, nothing I praise, nothing I find even the slightest bit attractive. I really don’t see why everybody likes him so much. He’s overhyped,” said a blind lesbian nun writing for The Association of Asexual Blobs Quarterly.
Best Performance in a Movie Poster for a Movie You Haven’t Seen But Plan On TiVo-ing: Channing Tatum in The Vow
Finally, the last award goes to Channing Tatum for the most beautifully executed “I’m-in-love” look we’ve ever seen.
The New Yorker said of Tatum’s performance in the poster:
“It’s clear that Rachel McAdams was checking out Tatum’s enormous bulge when they took this photo, and yet Channing does an excellent job of not breaking character and keeping his Ken-doll eyes glowing with amorous desire. What a professional!”
Congratulations to Channing Tatum for winning every award!