At nighttime, our most beloved brand mascots and representatives meet up and discuss strategies about how to save the world. That’s right, there’s a superhero league comprised of The Orkin Man, Betty Crocker, Aunt Jemima, Mr. Clean, The Green M&M, and the Vlastic Stork.
Now that you’re in the know, let’s catch you up on a few key points concerning The Brand Rep League of Superheroes.
The Orkin Man is Their Leader
The Orkin Man assembled the league long ago, after an incident where he needed help saving mankind from a mutant swarm of gigantic bedbugs.
Betty Crocker is Gay
Yep. She makes a mean batch of cupcakes but that’s only when she’s not mired in the drama of an on-again-off-again relationship with the Chiquita banana girl.
Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth are Sworn Enemies
At least once a year, Mrs. Butterworth plots to destroy Earth with a catastrophic syrup flood. Aunt Jemima swore an oath to the Butter Gods of the great Planet Pancake in the Breakfast Nebula to never let this happen. Also, Mrs. Butterworth and Aunt Jemima are twins, separated at birth.
Mr. Clean Used to Snort Adamantium
Mr. Clean’s dark past involves heavy drug use, hooker murder, and a stint as a gay porn star. He gave all that up when The Orkin Man resuscitated him after an overdose in 1817. (Yes, they have a time machine. Yes it was engineered by Captain Crunch.) Now Mr. Clean lives the — well — clean life. However, in place of his drug addiction, he developed a serious case of OCD that causes him to shine floors non-stop. Mopping is to Mr. Clean as yoga or booze are to most people.
The Green M&M is Not as Trampy as You’d Think.
In fact, she’s quite reserved. She even leads a double life as a Pentecostal evangelist.
Villains pop up left and right, of course, but this is what you need to know about the Brand Rep League perennial nemeses:
The Fantanas Keep Trying to Resurrect Hitler
Remember that time there was a trade embargo and Coca Cola products were hard to get into Germany? That’s how Fanta came to be. So, it’s no surprise that the Fantanas keep trying to assemble a genesis machine in order to bring back Hitler.
Elsie the Cow Has a Psychotic Vegan Agenda
Borden Dairy mascot Elsie has had it out for America since McDonald’s served its first hamburger. Will the Brand Rep League be able to keep her evil machinations (she once substituted human steaks for filets at Morton’s) to a minimum?
Beware the Snuggle Bear
The Snuggle Bear constantly infiltrates households through their weakest link: the laundry room lint filter. Thank God the Vlasic Stork is around the quell Snuggle Bear’s devious stratagems or else you might get sucked into the parallel universe where only the most evilest of left socks wind up.
So, the next time you’re cruising down the grocery store aisle, say thanks to these kind, generous spirits. Your life – and pantry – is in their hands.