The Best New Year’s Diet for the Eternally Lazy

Well, the holidays have come and gone, and my internal organs are currently being preserved by a toxic combination of mulled wine and fireball shots. My gym membership has expired, my yoga mat has been repurposed as a bed for friends who’ve drunkenly passed out on the floor, and my stomach fat does that thing where you can grab it and mush it up so it looks like a bagel.

The point is, it’s time to get off my fat ass and get to WERK and get my New Year’s Diet on! But not too much work. Not work like I have to use my body to make vigorous movement in which I become sweaty under my boobs… ‘cuz ew. Or work meaning there are certain food items from which I abstain… ‘cuz, bacon.

Thankfully, I don’t have to resort to any of the above nonsense, because I’ve stumbled upon the best New Year’s diet that will keep my stomach-bagel in check throughout 2014.

Sensa Weight Loss System (As a P.S. – this is an actual diet drug that exists in the world)

sensa

Here’s how it works: for just $39.99 a month, Sensa will send you a tiny packet of “scented sprinkles” to pour all over your food to help you feel full faster. That’s it. That’s the diet. You pour chemicals all over your food so you won’t want to eat your food! Genius. Homemade brownies tempting you? Not a problem. With a healthy dose of “maltodextrin” lovingly sprinkled on top, your brownie goes from tasty to probably giving you stomach cancer.*

*The SENSA website says that “all ingredients in their product are 100% GRAS – generally recognized as safe” – which I’m pretty sure is not an actual FDA-approved term, but there’s a picture of a thin blonde in a sports bra right next to it, so that’s pretty much all the evidence I need.

sensa

Now, I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t have forty bucks a month just lying around, so I’ve come up with a few of my own DIY alternatives to SENSA that work just dandy.

Shattered Glass, New Year's Diet

1. SHARDS OF GLASS

Just find some shards of glass and sprinkle them on your Chipotle burrito. It’s that simple. They can be big or small shards, jagged or smooth – it’s totally at your discretion. Now you can order what YOU want, but don’t have to worry about those pesky calories. Success! TRIGGER WARNING: I know you guys just imagined a Chipotle burrito sitting there uneaten and that may be bringing up some serious feelings for you. My apologies.

cicada, New year's Diet

2. CICADAS

Just capture some cicadas (maybe you have some stored from the summer season) and sprinkle them over your oatmeal. Slightly less abrasive than shards of glass, but equally as effective, pouring cicadas on your food will ENSURE portion control and successful weight loss. Enjoy!

anne-hathaway-short-hair-crying-in-les-miserables-2012, New Year's Diet

3. THE TEARS OF ANNE HATHAWAY  (This one takes a bit more work, but is TOTALLY worth it in the end)

Step 1:  Find Anne Hathaway.  Find out where she lives, and hide behind some bushes, in waiting.

Step 2:  As she leaves her apartment, tackle her to the ground (but not too hard, you’re not trying to hurt her – just gather a few tears).

Step 3:  And this step is key.  Once you have her attention, you need to tell her that she can let go of her need to BE something – she doesn’t need try to be more or less than she is as a person or actor, she can just do good work, and that’s all anyone’s expecting.

This is when Step 4 will happen naturally – she’ll begin softly weeping, relieved that you gave her such compassionate permission to be herself.

Step 5:  Collect her tears in a tiny vial you’ve brought for said extraction.

Step 6:  Pour the tears of Anne Hathaway all over your mac n’ cheese, and watch your appetite disappear!

Feel free to add your own!  And don’t be afraid to get creative with it.  Here’s to a slimmer YOU in 2014.

Love this New Year’s Diet and want more friendly advice? Read Say Yes to Your Bridesmaid Dress!


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About the author

Ariana Seigel is a NY-based performer and comedy writer.  She's one half of the hilarious duo ariANDemma, a co-founder of sketch group People's Sketch Association and a musical improviser.


View all articles by Ariana Seigel

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