And today, we have an exciting new development regarding the famous director’s musical tastes. He’s informed us that he doesn’t just want to produce musicals — he wants to direct them, too.
So, as always, Comediva has your exclusive preview of the movie musicals Spielberg has in the works:
Little Orphan E.T.
The inspirational story of an abandoned alien who, despite having a “hard knock life,” still believes that the sun will come out tomorrow — and by “sun,” he means the radioactive lightbeams that emit from his sun-like spacecraft, which is set to take him back to his home planet at 0-14670 hours Galactic time.
Wizard of Jaws
A girl named Dorothy, a tin man, a lion, and Richard Dreyfuss climb aboard a sailboat in order to protect a small beach town terrorized by a killer shark. In the end, it turns out that Dorothy’s ruby red slippers carried the very secret explosives needed to destroy the killer shark in the first place. The movie features the song Somewhere Over Amity Island that begins: “Somewhere over Amity Islannnnnd, there’s a land where innocent boys aren’t devoured by horrifying sea creatures whose mouths are big enough to swallow tractors — once in a lullabyyyyyy…”
Close Encounters of the Mary Poppins Kind
A younger Richard Dreyfuss witnesses a strange sight in the night sky: a woman flying in mid-air, holding an opened umbrella. This sighting leads him to Yellowstone National Park where American scientists have secretly gathered to have their first encounter with a nanny from early 20th Century England. When Mary Poppins finally appears in the night sky, she communicates via a five-note whistle: “Hm – hmm – hm – hmmm – hmmmmmm!” (Which the scientists translate as: “Toppins, toppins, toppins the bag.”) Mary Poppins then proceeds to teach the scientists how to properly tidy up their bedrooms. Finally, as she leaves, Richard Drefyuss tries to leave with her. But Mary Poppins hits him with her umbrella, and scolds him for being such a jackass that he’d abandon his children just so he could have an “extra-terrestrial experience” with an English nanny.
The Sound of T-Rex’s Footsteps
During WWII, an Austrian nun named Maria becomes a governess to the Von Trapp children. But a hole in the space-time continuum transports Maria and the children to The Dinosaur Age. As she tries to escape killer dinosaurs, Maria instills in the children a love for music, while at the same time teaching them which dinosaurs are herbivores and which are carnivores. The movie features the song, Do Re Mi Fa So AAAAAAAH!!! that begins: “Doe, a Velociraptor, a female velociraptor. Rex, a rumble that makes a ripple in the water. Me, a name, I call myself. Far, a long, long way to — ruuuuuun! Run away from the T-REX right behind you, children! RUN CHILDREN, RUNNNN!!! MAY HEAVEN HELP US!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”
I was really hoping that Julie Andrews would lead a dinosaur choir through the mountains of Austria. The T-Rex could provide the much-needed percussion section for the group. Maybe that could be the sequel?