Star-Crossed Dream Couples

Romeo & Juliet. Lois & Clark. Beyonce & Jay-Z. All these couples have at least one thing in common: they’re straight.The thing about star-crossed lovers is, there’re a lot of them in space. But where’re all the gay couples enjoying all the marriage equality? (There HAS to be marriage equality in space, right?)So we put together a list…

Whether these pairings would actually become delightful gay romances or just besties, we think these characters from our favorite space operas should grab a cup of coffee and give it a go.

1)  Inara from Firefly & Deanna Troi from Star Trek: The Next Generation
Inara_DeanaTroyDeanna Troi and Inara are both exotic, dark-haired beauties who provide a soulful centering to the crew of their respective ships. Year after year, Troi won our hearts with her “Sexiest Starfleet Uniform Ever.” In her universe, Inara is a Companion, a.k.a. the hottest high-class hooker you’ve ever seen … in a world where hooking is totally legal and totally respected. Both are counselish ladies whose words of wisdom show that they’re more than just sexy looks. The thought of these two getting it on sends shivers through every bi-curious woman-part, and is the stuff of rich mantasy or lesbiantasy.

Dream Date:  Getting all cozy in Inara’s shuttle with some tea and incense, and having long, sexy chats about life and romance.

2)  Worf from Star Trek: The Next Generation & Chewbacca from Star Wars
Worf_ChewbaccaWorf and Chewbacca are a match made in space heaven because they’re both hairy, smelly men of few (decipherable) words. Everyone knows that the love of a taciturn man is precious and true. Their shared taste in accessories (those metal things across their chests) would bring them together every morning as they pick out their gear for that day. “I say go with the silver today, Worf,” or as Chewbacca would say it, “AgghhhhhhH! Aghh aghhh agg agg.”

Dream Date:  Shopping for new weapons, then shooting them.

3)  Malcolm Reynolds from Firefly & Han Solo from Star Wars
Mal-SoloMalcolm Reynolds is definitely Han 2.0 for a new generation. Their fondness for sharp vests and suspenders leaves us wondering … is all that will they/won’t they crap with their women love interests just a cover for their secret man-love longings? Their favorite pastime is bragging about their ships (size and speed aren’t everything, guys!), which could be a danger zone for their romance, or … a total turn-on. After a heated ship race, the two men would fall into a passionate embrace, while Millennium Falcon and Serenity’s engines hum side-by-side.

Dream Date:  Smuggling some sweet cargo while staying one step ahead of the brutal galactic overlords, then celebrating their narrow escape by comparing their striped pants.

4)  A Jawa from Star Wars & Quark the Ferengi from Star Trek
Jawa_FerengiLooking for a good deal on space junk? Look no further than the ultimate salesmen of geekdom, Ferengi and Jawas. Quark used Deep Space Nine like his personal pawn shop, and was always looking for new ways to rip off … uh, maximize profits. Jawas are creepy little trolls in robes with lightbulb eyes. Male? Female? Who knows. For our gay purposes, let’s assume that Quark encounters a male Jawa on DS9’s Promenade. Sensing a kindred Jewish stereotype, our cute pair of small, greedy bargainers retire to one of Quark’s holosuites, where they engage in multiple rounds of auctioneering as foreplay. After coitus, they can cuddle and bond over persecution and sales techniques.

Dream Date:  Earlobe rubbing while they count their money and cheat unsuspecting rubes. Then they can buy some droids.

5)  Aeryn Sun from Farscape & Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica
Aeryn_StarbuckAwww shiiit! Tough warrior women collide! In the hottest Sapphic encounter since Xena fucked Callisto (wait, that didn’t happen? WTF!), Kara Thrace, aka Starbuck, and former Peacekeeper Aeryn Sun would have a knock-down, drag-out fight all over a derelict ship. Of course, with two such passionate women, they soon stop knocking heads and start knocking boots. With their combat training and piloting skills, these ladies could certainly navigate each other’s naughty bits.

Dream Date:  Go on a Thelma and Louise style caper and blow up a small moon.

6)  Scorpius from Farscape & Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars
Old queens need love, too. Imagine the beautiful moment when these two incredibly ugly, shriveled up, evil mofos find each other. The Emperor senses a disturbance … in his pants! After admiring each other’s snazzy black outfits and comparing notes on skin-care products, they can get down to business: fucking!

Dream Date:  Dressing in all black, and going to a sex party where they don’t have to unmask…so no one has to actually see their faces.


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About the author

Erika Cervantes

Hi!  I'm Erika.  I'm a comedy writer, a Chihuahua mama, a cupcake enthusiast, and most importantly...I keep the team well-sugared with motivational speeches and home-made cookies.

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