Local grocery store chain company employee, Olivia Dewris, reported Monday that she felt, “considerably uplifted” by the idea of being reborn as a corporation in the next life, “if I’m lucky.”
Dewris had been daydreaming about the concept of reincarnation when she began to fantasize about the possibilities. “I started thinking about what could possibly be an improvement over my current human existence,” explained Dewris. “The answer was obvious.”
“As a person, if I’m found guilty of a crime, I go to jail. LAME!” sighed Dewris. “But as a corporation, I can be a person without having to worry about annoying things like incarceration or being able to feel pain. Now that is the life!”
Dewris continued to cite the advantages she would gain were she to succumb to death and return as the superior life form of a corporation. “Unlimited spending on political issues AND sweet tax deductions that human people can’t get? Religious freedom to choose which laws I want to follow based on whether I feel they violate my beliefs without ever having to actually go sit through a religious service because I have no physical body? Jeez, the more I think about it, I can’t WAIT to be a corporation!”
When asked what she thought would come next in the life after her existence as a corporation, Dewris’ answer was simple. “That’s the best part. When I’m a corporation, I won’t have to die.”
In the meantime, Dewris plans to continue working for the corporation whose rights are more important than her own.