Six Dream Teams to Make Sci-Fi a Reality

Recently, James Cameron and Google announced that they were teaming up for a joint venture to begin mining asteroids. Cool, right? We’re hoping that Cameron finds a way to attach a video camera to that sucker and make the best IMAX movie ever.

But it goes beyond just that — complete with an announcement at the Museum of Flight in Seattle and coverage by international news outlets, the company, Planetary Resources, Inc., has released a business plan and initial projected costs. Maybe they’re playing a massive, late April Fool’s joke on the world (and if so, shame on you! There are rules, good sirs!), but
this actually sounds… real.

So, if that’s the way the world works now, if famous people and companies are allowed to just announce partnerships to make sci-fi tropes a reality, we’d like to make a few suggestions. A few potential dream teams, if you will.

Apple and Wil Wheaton work together to develop… TELEPATHY

Apple had already made communication more mobile than ever with the iPhone, and Wil is the twittery-est tweeter who ever did tweet. So obviously, the next step is to make communication even EASIER by developing mind-to-mind phone calls, texts, and tweets. No handheld device needed! We’ll enter an era where we’re hyper connected, where no one can get away, and where Wil Wheaton is in our minds ALL THE TIME. Wait a second…we’re starting to think Wil Wheaton might actually be a super-villain…

Nintendo and Steven Spielberg partner up for… FULLY SUBMERSIVE VIDEO GAMES
The Wii (it’s pronounced “REVOLUTION”) was a pretty big leap forward in the world of gaming. But now that Playstation and XBox have caught up, what’s the next frontier? Steven could create some pretty cinematic backgrounds, and he definitely has an interest in sci-fi. Can you imagine how amazing a true first-person Indiana Jones video game would be? Or an E.T. game with levels inside the ship? Or, hey, how about an exercise/adventure Jurassic Park Game, where you have to run to survive? That’s right, eat your heart out, WiiFit.

Exxon and J. K. Rowling establish… A MOON COLONY

You thought we were going to say “Newt Gingrich,” didn’t you? Well that would be too easy. Exxon would love an opportunity for massive fuel use, and Rowling’s had problems with the paparazzi not leaving her alone so, clearly. A Rowling-designed moon colony would be simply delightful: habitats in the shape of maze-filled castles, whimsical foods, and a government led by wise old men and women and their teenage prefects, who, apart from oddly strict field trip permission form rules, give a pretty free rein.

And let’s face it, we’d have to follow her, because a world without J. K. Rowling IS A WORLD WE DON’T WANT TO LIVE IN.

Wal-Mart and Jillian Michaels create… A SIZE RAY

Okay, sure. Jillian Michaels pretends to only support losing weight the so-called “right way.” But you endorse diet pills, so let’s not get too smug, homegirl. So why not? It seems a no-brainer that she’d sell more exercise videos if she could really guarantee that your body will “shrink,” and Wal-Mart could help supply the cash. Sadly, this is the most short-lived of all the dream teams, as a rift forms when Jillian discovers that Wal-Mart plans to use the size ray to make their products bigger for cheaper, thus encouraging more food consumption. Alas, it wasn’t meant to be.

Animal Planet and Mark Zuckerberg hatch…DRAGONS

When Animal Planet posts a status update saying “We want to film nature documentaries about real dragon,” Mark Zuckerberg, the world’s second-youngest billionaire, likes it and comments “HELL YEAH, ANIMAL BROSKIES. LET’S DO IT!” Though there’s some initial disagreement over whether the dragons should have four or six limbs (obviously six, heathen), Zuckerberg invests the amount of money he spends per year on designer potato chips (we’re not going to say; that sum is depressing), and the partnership announces its plan to have hatchlings by 2024 — just in time for the next Year of the Dragon.

Nestle and Oprah discover…THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH

This one’s really a no-brainer: if anyone in this world is going to live forever, it’s Oprah. And not that Oprah needs any financial help, but if she did, Nestle is rubbing its hands together at the chance to sell bottles of that sh*t by the case.

But the real question is: who’s going to invent time travel? Just kidding, that was a trick. Chuck Norris already has.


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