Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]: You will be less than thrilled when the magician you’re dating makes your Rabbit disappear. But you should have known better than to date a magician in the first place.
Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]: It’s better to try and fail than to never try at all, right? Unless you’re trying to become a vampire by making out with a bat. You’ll probably just get rabies.
Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]: “Ask and ye shall receive” applies more than ever when your PMS cravings coincide with Halloween. If anyone gives you the stink eye, say you’re trick or treating on behalf of your cousin with leukemia.
Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]: Expect less from a deep personal involvement right now, and you’ll enjoy it more. Sometimes, demon sex is just demon sex. Rosemary didn’t feel the need to text Satan immediately after, right? Play it cool.
Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]: Some rules are just meant to be broken. Unless it’s something that creepy guy said when you bought that monkey’s paw. But you were super high, so whatevs, it’s probably not a big deal, right? [Editor’s Note: It’s probably a big deal.]
Gemini [May 21 – June 21]: Don’t get too worried about the big picture this week. So what if you put a voodoo curse on your roommate that’s supposed to come back on you ten-fold? You’ve got a handle of Jack and “Dexter” on DVR!
Cancer [June 22 – July 22]: This week, you’ll put the holla back in Halloween with your sexy cat outfit. It’ll be a little awkward when you pick up your kids from daycare, but sex makes babies, so no one will be too shocked.
Leo [July 23 – Aug. 22]: You’ll feel a little slighted when the ghost that’s been haunting you finally finds eternal rest, just because, “He’s not feeling it anymore.” Don’t worry, there’s always ghost internet dating.
Virgo [Aug. 23 – Sept. 22]: With your recently-discovered powers as a medium, you find communing with spirits is as intimate and involved as group sex … only it’s all the annoying “talking” parts, without the loads of naked bodies.
Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]: Expect the unexpected this week: that blind date is really an axe murderer … but he’s also REALLY into bondage. If you tie him up first, you might enjoy yourself. And escape.
Ophicus [?*&!]: You’ll be chased down by a pack of zombies who, upon reaching you, will realize you’re so not worth it.
